101 - Teaching things by what we allow
Teaching people how to treat you by creating and communicating your boundaries
December!
I am always super excited for the holiday season. I started decorating weeks ago and my flat currently smells like I imagine the North Pole does, thanks to all my festive candles and scented products. In my head, I’m already winding down for the year and if not for paid employment, I would be doing nothing but attending parties and allowing the days to blend into each other. But alas, bills need to be paid.
Beyond the festivities, December is also a time of reflection for me. I have used Year Compass for the past 3 years and around this time of year, I start to go over my reflections from the previous years while trying to envision what I’d like the coming year to look like.
As I reflect on this year, the subject of boundaries has been front and centre for me.
Last December, I was not doing very well mentally. Initially, I didn’t even recognize that something was wrong, let alone identify why. Thankfully, my friends noticed and picked up on the fact that I wasn’t myself. After a "menty b" (mental breakdown) on Christmas Eve, I finally allowed myself to confront my feelings. They had a lot to say.
I realised that I had bottled up feelings from unresolved issues across various relationships, both personal and professional. I realized that much of my distress came from not communicating my boundaries clearly or enforcing them when they were crossed.
As someone with big feelings, sharing those feelings can be challenging for many reasons. It can feel accusatory or even like a betrayal to tell a loved one how their actions negatively impact you. Sometimes, it feels like you’re being dramatic, fussy, or pedantic, so you let things slide because it seems easier.
The problem with this is, that the more you let things slide, the more likely you are to build resentment which can have a more detrimental effect on relationships.
To be completely honest, I don’t particularly enjoy having these hard conversations. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely averse to confrontations, but I prefer to avoid them where possible. Plus, there will always be people who, for their own reasons, cannot come to terms with or understand your boundaries, no matter how well you communicate them. I like to weigh the risks versus benefits of having these conversations on a case-by-case basis. In situations where I know addressing the issue will cause me more stress, I err on the side of self-preservation and create as much distance as I can from the person or situation.
What you allow, you teach
I came across this quote a few months ago via
(who happens to be one of my favourite creatives.) and I paused for a very long second because it resonated deeply. I’m very aware that people treat you based on what you allow, but realizing that by allowing something, you’re actively teaching it, really made me stop and think.This idea helped me rethink my approach to boundaries. When I frame a boundary as teaching people how I like to be treated, it feels like I’m doing both myself and the other person a kindness by being clear about my preferences and the consequences if they aren’t respected. Assuming people should automatically know how you want to be treated—your triggers, preferences, and needs—might even be unfair. Of course, people might still choose to ignore what they know, but it’s up to you to address that. Otherwise, the more you allow it, the more you teach it.
Last December, I worked up the courage to have one such conversation. I started with an email because I was scared writing is my preferred mode of expression and I wanted to lay out my thoughts clearly and articulate my feelings without getting flustered. A few days later, this led to a very long talk. We gave each other the space to speak and listen. We didn’t agree on every point—there was negotiation, there were tears—but by the end, it felt like a weight had been lifted. That conversation not only saved but also strengthened that particular relationship.
The moral of my story is this - When done right, creating boundaries and having tough conversations isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about showing up as your best, most authentic self. When you honor your needs, you give others permission to do the same.
Recently I read
The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan. This was a book club pick by Happynoisemaker a few months ago, and I only just finished it. I found the book very annoying, hence the delay in finishing it. The writing was decent, but the story itself—centred on the struggles and inequities of motherhood—was frustrating. The annoyingness is somewhat understandable given the theme, but overall, it wasn’t an enjoyable read.
Recently I listened to
My sister recently introduced me to a new podcast called WorkLife by Adam Grant. I listened to a few episodes but this is the episode that inspired this weeks letter. The guest on this episode is Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself - a book that profoundly shaped my understanding of boundaries. Highly recommend if you’re looking to dive deeper into this topic.
As you can see, I am the spirit of Christmas. Feeling very grateful for how things have gone this year. Plus I have good news. I passed my driving test last week and I’m looking forward to more good news soon.
Here’s wishing you everything you need to have the conversations that need to be had.
Have a festive rest of the year.
Chioma.
Congrats on your test and merry Christmas!!!!! I’m def taking this post into my new year.