14 - Be flexible with the things
Don't hold on so tightly that you miss out on the good
This week on twitter, before Buhari threw a tantrum and turned off the thing, my friend Dami of whatdamidid asked a question.
What’s an L you took that transformed your life?
I shared the story of how “failing out” of medicine at my first university led to my move abroad for continued studies and that definitely changed the trajectory of my life.
However I recently remembered another L that really changed things and I thought I’d take a break from hammering on about habits to share this story.
I gained admission to study medicine at Igbinedion University Okada in 2003. We were over a thousand students in a class, with eighty students to one cadaver that was already missing half a face so it wasn’t any real surprise when over half of us “failed” the exam that was supposed to mark the transition from pre-clinical to clinical years.
At the time, I genuinely thought this failure was the end of my life, but many family meetings and one soul crippling year of studying pharmacy at the same institution, I gained admission to a school in St Kitts where I subsequently transferred to.
At the time of this move, the plan was to continue my studies in St Kitts and then move to the U.S where I would complete my medical education and get into a residency program and become an American doctor. That was the dream.
Become an American doctor.
My Nigerian passport got in the way of things and so I was unable to move to the States for my clinical rotations and ended up doing them between St Kitts and the United Kingdom. I eventually moved to the states and sat the necessary exams. Which I passed on my first attempt thankfully. And then the very expensive journey of “matching” began.
After spending thousands of dollars and enduring one rejection after the next, I decided to move back to Nigeria in 2012 because I didn’t want to get stuck in the prison sentence that is the life of an illegal immigrant and my family couldn’t afford to continue to support me financially.
During housejob, a few of my colleagues were preparing for the UK exam but I wasn’t interested, mostly because I really did not like England. Too gray for my liking. I still held on to my American doctor dream, and so after house job I took all the money I had saved and moved back to America to try again. I took the last step of the USMLE in a bid to improve my chances, spent many dollars in application fees but got the same result. Nothing.
It was hard, but I had to admit defeat and return to Lagos to regroup, while continuing to work because Central Bank of Daddy had officially closed by this time.
The thought of all the time and work I had put into making my American doctor dream a reality made it hard to let go of. I would have intermittent chest tightness while scrolling through Instagram on match day. I had very vivid pictures in my head of how my life as a resident doctor in the U.S with zero student debt would look. Sweet no doubt.
Through slightly jealousy tinted glasses, I watched my friends who I had studied with go from first year interns to attending, knowing how well they were getting paid while I was barely getting by on my two hundred thousand naira salary that never came on time.
I knew that practicing medicine in Nigeria was going to be detrimental to my well being in the long run and so I modified my American doctor dream to the anywhere-but-Nigeria-doctor dream, which led me here. Getting ready to commence a three year GP training program in England, after an initial three years of working as a junior doctor in the private sector. Happy, healthy and curating a life that I take great pleasure in and am able to afford.
It has only been a couple of years since I started to believe this but I firmly believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and every twist and turn that didn’t work out made the experience that much more interesting.
The roundabout moral of this story is to remind you to remain flexible as you do the things and pursue the things.
The fact is that despite your best efforts and intentions, some things will just not work out. It sucks, but that’s life.
The trick is to remain malleable, soft too. Not too hold on to things so tightly that we are unable to move forward or recognise and take advantage of the opportunities that abound around us. To focus on or at least acknowledge the good even when there is bad.
And many times, there is always good. As much as I never planned to practice medicine in Nigeria at all, my time working as a doctor in Lagos has given me invaluable networks. I may not have had the time to pick up hobbies like salsa if I were working the ghastly hours of resident doctors in America. I may never have met my book club sister friends if I hadn’t embraced my new reality and settled into designing a life full of things I enjoy for myself in Lagos.
There really are many paths to whatever goal it is you set for yourself. Some paths may just take longer or have more interesting adventures along the way. And sometimes that goal may be due for an update. You may be a different person from who you were at the time you started pursuing a certain goal and it may be necessary for you to change directions or just tweak the dream
If I do decide that the American doctor dream is one that I still want to pursue, I am now better qualified and stand a better chance of success.
A period of unemployment might be the time you needed to rebuild your relationship with your loved ones, pick up a new hobby or just rest.
A failed job application might be the experience you need to ace the next one.
Your fiancé of 8 years breaking things off might be the opportunity for you to meet the real love of your life.
Sometimes it is necessary to pause and reflect and acknowledge the good and hopefully let that serve as a beacon of hope for better in the future. Chances are, on proper reflection, you might find that you are actually not doing bad at all, and might even be doing very well by all standards, despite not having reached that goal you set for yourself.
As a recovering pessimist I know how I would have rolled my eyes at anyone telling me this some three years ago, so it’s okay if you roll your eyes. But. The way I see it, life is going to throw shit at you regardless and as long as you have to participate in this whole life business, holding on to the good can help make things more bearable.
Remain soft and flexible my friends.
I thought I’d share this June affirmation courtesy of @ronwritings Instagram:
give yourself credit
for all you have done.
keep doing the things you said you would do.
know that you have it in you
and if you keep sticking through,
it will come true.
This week I am reading
We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby. A witty and sarcastic collection of essays that I am loving so far.
My Instagram gem this week
is @oluwalanu. She has been documenting her travels around Nigeria in the most enlightening and colourful manner that I absolutely love. She recently had a Nigerian themed birthday celebration that looked like a proper fun and authentic experience.
I am currently doing my best to avoid the goings on in Nigeria as much as I can because I’m tired of the heartache.
Here’s wishing you a safe week. Be safe.
Chioma.