17-What influences the things
Imitating the right things
With life returning to “normal”, the one thing I am most grateful for is being able to see my friends again. I spent the past weekend with three of my favorite ladies and it was a blast. There was plenty of tea and singing off key and it was the best time. Nothing makes me feel like I’m doing life right like having friends who really get along.
As we ate and drank and made merry, I couldn’t help noticing that we had quite a few things in common. All four of us had natural hair. Three of us are anklet wearing, avid readers and occasional writers. And so on.
This led me to thinking about how the people we surround ourselves with influence our behaviours, desires and of course, habits.
It is our natural inclination as humans to want to get along with others. This tends to lead to us repeating the things we commonly see done and doing the things that we believe will earn us approval and acceptance. This need is so ingrained in the human psyche that many times, we would rather go with the majority opinion than risk being alienated from the group.
While it is possible to ignore this need, many of us do not because it takes work and going with the crowd is easier.
Ironically, we do not like to think of ourselves as imitators. No one wants to be the copy cat. But the truth is most of our desires and therefore habits are influenced by: The close, The Many and The Powerful.
For example, there are people who hate the taste of alcohol but still drink socially just to avoid answering questions like “why don’t you drink” when they’re out with friends. who drink alcohol. Chances are these same people may not touch an alcoholic drink when they are amongst other friends who do not drink alcohol.
When considering a new habit, it is sometimes helpful to find a group of people who you already have something in common with, and who are also pursuing the same desired habit. This can be as simple as starting a running challenge with a group of classmates to improve your fitness, or joining a book club because you’d like to read more.
Having a group of like minded people who are pursuing the same goal can help sustain your motivation and strengthen your new chosen identity. You may not think of yourself as a runner, but when you belong to a group of people who run, and you consistently show up and participate, it becomes a little easier to embrace your identity as a runner.
We are also influenced by The Many. This refers to the larger society and culture that we belong to. We are more likely to desire the habits that are praised and accepted by the society in which we find ourselves.
For example, many young people find themselves aspiring towards marriage simply because everyone around them is getting married. If you take the time to examine your own desires, you might find that maybe you’re not really interested in or cut out for the level of commitment required to make a marriage work. If you (continue to) live in a society where you’re receiving wedding invitations every week and your loving parents are constantly dropping hints about the grandchild they may never get to see, you might find yourself on the way to the altar with a person you really don’t know very much about and have no real desire to spend the rest of your life with, just so you can tick that box, satisfy your parents and avoid the stigma attached to being an elderly spinster.
Conversely, if you belong to a culture where marriage isn’t as highly exalted and you’re not constantly being made to feel deficient as a result of your single status, you’re more likely to relax and enjoy the peace that comes with it.
We also like to imitate the powerful. We are hard wired to want things like success and so we imitate the people we admire. This is why our favorite celebrities are used to sell us everything from hair products to food. We spend ridiculous amounts on items we ordinarily do not need, simply because they’ve been endorsed by someone we admire.
Social media is a perfect example of this. Last week I found myself considering the Coach Pillow Tabby bag as a birthday gift to myself, simply because it had come across my timeline so many times in the space of a few days thanks to my influencer girlies. But in truth, I would walk right past that bag if I saw it in store because it is really not my style. But seeing it styled differently by different women I admire, seeing all the comments from their many followers gushing about the bag, I started to want it.
Thanks to the little computers we now carry around, we spend so much time consuming other peoples lives, thoughts and feelings that they start to become ours without realising. You find yourself thinking uncharitably about a random stranger on the internet who you’ve never interacted with, based on comments from other people you follow. Making sentences with words that sound cool but are completely meaningless to you because you’ve never bothered to look them up. Switching accents to try and match the others in the room.
This human inclination to mimic, is great when used positively. Finding your tribe of people who share the same beliefs and values can be a tremendous help. I find myself picking up new habits and tips from my friends all the time. Surrounding myself with more positive thinking people has definitely led to a shift in my mindset. Having friends with locs means I get random youtube videos on loc cleansing methods. I have friends whose opinions I trust implicitly on certain topics and would follow whatever they recommend.
On social media, I’m careful about the type of content I consume. I avoid any type of content that makes me feel inadequate, or aspire to things that are not realistic. I focus on feel good content that I can relate to and perhaps learn from. I don’t believe in following people simply because I know them, especially when I can not relate to the things that they post about. Instead I follow random strangers who are doing the things I aspire to. I avoid the gossip pages because I do not find them edifying. I mute debates that do not concern me, and so on.
It is important that we constantly interrogate our desires, to be certain where they are coming from. In my experience, there is more satisfaction in doing the things that you like, want and are interested in. Many of us are constantly chasing things that we think we want, simply because we see others being praised for them.
Do you really want to be an entrepreneur or tech bro. Or are you doing it because somebody you know recently made a 30 under 30 list and you’re trying to keep up.
Is it really convenient to live in Lekki when your job with the inconsistent salary is in Yaba. Or are you paying that ridiculous rent to look cool to your friends.
Do you really enjoy shouting in the dark over loud music or do you just do it every weekend because that’s what your friends are doing.
Would you have bought five pairs of sunglasses if you hadn’t been following a sample sales account on Instagram.
It’s okay, we are all copy cats here. What we can do is, start paying attention to the things we copy and hopefully copy more things that get us to our desired goals.
This week I am reading
His Only Wife by Peace Adzo Medie
I wrote
about my self imposed Deadline
My focus this week is on house hunting. I need to move to a new town for my training position which commences in August. Wish me luck in finding the perfect place for me.
Here’s wishing you a week full of luck as well.
Chioma.