37- "Uncommiting" yourself from the things
Giving yourself permission to change direction
It’s the last day of January 2022 and it feels like the year is rushing by and I’m not mad at that to be honest.
I had the privilege of spending this past Saturday with a lovely, multi-cultural group of women and some of our conversation got me thinking about how much of our beliefs and values are shaped very early on, by external factors which we had no control over. And how we sometimes struggle with letting go of certain beliefs/practices/habits, even when we now have evidence to the contrary.
I recently came across the concept of sunk cost bias. According to the author of Essentialism, it is “the tendency to continue to invest time, money or energy into something we know is a losing proposition simply because we have already incurred, or sunk, a cost that can not be replaced.”
This concept is applied by many of us in our daily lives, for example, holding on to certain relationships because of how long they’ve lasted, even if things are clearly not working anymore. Sometimes, the sunk cost is our pride. We want to impress people by sticking with the things (and people) that we’ve chosen, because anything else is considered failing and nobody wants to be a failure. Or the feeling of shame that comes with it.
Another thing that keeps us hanging on to things that are no longer serving us is the fear of waste. When you’ve invested time and resources into a failing project, the thought of how much has already been put in, tempts you to keep going, so as not to waste the time and resources invested so far. But the truth is that investing more time/effort/resources, will not always lead to a desired outcome and sometimes ends up incurring a much bigger cost.
We generally make decisions based on our current circumstances and the information available to us and sometimes we have wrong/incomplete information. So when we get new information or our circumstances change, it makes perfect sense to reconsider our position and change it if need be.
This realisation has changed how I think of failure and making mistakes and has helped me dial down the shame and give myself the permission to change my mind about any and everything.
I’ve also become one of those annoying people who find a lesson in everything and so I no longer think of my time or resources as being wasted simply because a project or relationship hasn’t worked out. As long as I chose it based on the information available to me and my situation at the time, it really is all good. And if/when I do feel like I’ve been wasting my time or resources, then I remind myself that these things are much too precious to keep wasting and do the needful.
Another very valuable tip that has helped me with letting go of certain men things is getting a neutral second opinion. It’s like when you’re dating a guy and you share something he did with the group chat and your girls immediately start to point out all the red flags that you’ve been refusing to acknowledge because you really really like said guy and you’re keen for things to progress. The same can apply to professional settings. Getting a fresh pair of eyes on a project, can help identify what the issues are. Somethings are more difficult to see when you’re too close, so getting a sensible, neutral opinion can be helpful.
As cliche as it sounds, change is truly the one constant thing in life and we need to allow ourselves to change, as many times as necessary. Life would be boring otherwise don’t you think?
“The building of the true and beautiful means the destruction of the good enough. Rebirth means death. Once a truer, more beautiful vision is born inside us, life is in the direction of that vision. Holding on to what is no longer true enough is not safe; it’s the riskiest move because it is the certain death of everything that was meant to be. We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated. Our next life will always cost us this one. If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, what we just knew to be true.”
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed
This week I read:
Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living - by Glennon Doyle. This was our first book club read for the year and many of us had very strong feelings about it. The book is something between a memoir and a self help book, which is a great premise, however, in my opinion, something was very off about the author’s tone. And yes, tone does come across even in writing. Glennon came across as somewhat self righteous and condescending, even if well-meaning. Overall, she did have a message and lots of thought-provoking quotes.
This week I listened to:
This episode of the Knowledge Project where Shane and Adam Grant discussed Rethinking your position.
I almost “uncommited” to this newsletter becauseI had nothing to write as of 2pm GMT Sunday 30th January 2022, but sometimes when you take an unscheduled nap and wake up at midnight, good things happen.
One month down, 11 to go. Give yourself the permission to change direction if need be. Have a great week my friends.
Chioma.