38 - Feeling the things

Rejecting toxic positivity and embracing emotional agility

“Trying not to be sad about my old place. Thankful for this one”

I sent that message to my friend yesterday after I completed my move to my new place which is quite frankly, not as nice as my old one. As I typed the message, a small part of me felt I should have just mentioned the thankful part and not the sad part.

That small part of me that has been raised in a world where everyone is always supposed to “look at the bright side” and “find the silver lining” and other such BS.

BS because life isn’t always bright now is it?

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I learned about labelling my emotions a few years ago when I started following a behaviour coach on twitter. Now when I feel some type of way, instead of ignoring it or trying to turn my frown into a smile, I actually sit with the feeling and try to find out what it is telling me. I don’t always get answers, but I also don’t judge my feelings as good or bad anymore. They’re just feelings and they’re an integral part of the whole being human thing.

It’s perfectly normal to feel fear, jealousy, anger or any emotion at all. The feeling of the emotion is neither good or bad, but how we choose to express these emotions can be judged as good or bad.

I still used to have major pangs of jealousy when the U.S residency match season comes around every year. Because seeing people get something that you want and even worked towards but didn’t get is painful and it’s okay to acknowledge that while still wishing the person well and quietly unfollowing them. Two things can be true.

Dr Susan David, author of Emotional Agility uses the word “both-ness” to describe this phenomenon of feeling two emotions at the same time that might typically be considered conflicting.

Both-ness, the idea that the sun is shining and the birds are singing and forests are burning at the same time. Both-ness, the idea that I can hold grief and joy, and I have to in order to walk through life. That is both-ness, that is integration.

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I came across the concept of emotional agility while preparing this newsletter.

According to Dr Susan,

Emotional agility is a process that enables us to navigate life’s twists and turns with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind. The process isn’t about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It’s about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to ignite change in your life.

In this episode of the Dare to Lead podcast, she also talks about toxic positivity and describes it as “living in the world as we wish it to be and not as it is” and my inner church girl screamed a little because religious institutions are notorious for this message. Having worked as a doctor in Nigeria, I can not tell you how many people refuse to present to the hospital in the early stages of disease simply because some “man of god” has told them that it is a sign of their lack of faith.

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We are conditioned to think about having feelings or being emotional as a sign of weakness, but alas, we are designed to be emotional beings, our lives literally depend on being able to interpret our emotions accurately and respond appropriately.

The result of not acknowledging your feelings and keeping them bottled up is usually an explosion or breakdown that could have been avoided by accepting them as feelings and not facts and treating them accordingly. It’s hardly pleasant most of the time, but like my friend Dr Susan says,

“tough emotions are part of our contract with life”

This week I listened to

This episode of the swindled podcast about Anna Delvey because I didn’t like what Netflix did with their version of the story.

This week I am reading

Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know by Adam Grant

Here’s hoping you allow yourself to feel all your feelings this week and forever.

Chioma.

BS = Bullshit, of course.