39 - Doing friendship things

Because good friendships require work

Feb 28, 2022

Lonely: being without company, sad from being alone

Once upon a time, I used to take pride in never feeling lonely. One of my go to quotes was “Alone but never lonely”.

I guess I considered loneliness to be a negative feeling, which is interesting because it literally means being sad from being alone. As communal creatures, it is perfectly natural to feel sad when you don’t have community. The fact that our physical and mental health can also be impacted by loneliness is proof of this.

I worked locum shifts during the first lockdown and I couldn’t help but notice the increased number of mental health admissions. Spending all that time alone was literally driving people crazy.

My life has gotten increasingly lonely in the past few years. I’ve gone from having a very full life in Lagos to a much quieter life in England. I no longer have the luxury of running into my friends at Bogobiri or Sip, so I have had to become more intentional about my relationships.

I’m learning that being a friend requires effort and understanding, and communication and many more things that we typically only associate with romantic relationships.

For example, many people would consider it perfectly normal to discuss our wants/needs/ expectations in romantic relationships. However when it comes to friendships, we don’t pay the same level of attention to the wants/needs/expectations of our friends. This lack of attention can cause our friendships to remain stagnant and eventually fizzle out.

Since I started treating my friendships with the same level of enthusiasm which was previously reserved for romantic relationships, my friendships have flourished and my life is so much fuller as a result.

In addition to doing the work required to maintain my established friendships, I am also making an effort to make new friends.

While I agree that making friends as an adult can be tricky, it’s still very possible. The truth is, most people are also looking for similarity and connection but many of us get hung up on the possibility of rejection. And I get that, but overcoming that fear of rejection AND being willing to do most of the initial heavy lifting has led to great results for me. It also helps to reach out to people with whom you already have shared interests.

I’ve had two successful friend dates in the past week alone so now I feel like I should arrange a “How to make new friends” masterclass.

Wanting to have friends is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. We literally need friends. Friendships are important and important things typically require some effort.

Sometimes it’s remembering to check in on your friend on her last day at work, or her first day in a new home/job. Sometimes it’s showing up even when you don’t really feel like it. And sometimes it’s sending each other memes that remind you of each other on Instagram.

It might be different with each friend, but taking the time to figure out what your friend/friendship needs is necessary and worth it.

This week I listened to

An episode of The Knowledge project titled The crisis of loneliness. It was interesting to hear Noorena Hertz talk about how social media has made us lonelier and how this loneliness crises impacts all aspects of our lives.

This week I read

A very long but worth it article about friendship break ups, titled IT’S YOUR FRIENDS WHO BREAK YOUR HEART

My friend Dami of whatdamidid wrote about the difficulties of adult friendships as well as a helpful guide to shooting friendship shots.

Feel free to shoot shots in my direction.

Small Things

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