42 - Boundary setting things
Because while boundaries are necessary, walls are not.
A little while ago, I came across a reddit post that had been circulating on Twitter. The poster started off by sharing that she had lived with her roommate for two years. Roommate was a final year medical student who had a three year old daughter. Poster narrated how she had watched Roommate struggle to juggle studying, raising her child and working multiple part time jobs. Poster also mentioned that she always declined when Roommate asked for her to babysit as she did not want the responsibility associated with looking after a child.
On the day of Roommates biggest exam of her entire degree, her babysitter cancelled at the last minute. Poster watched Roommate call everyone she could but was unable to find any alternatives. Finally, she asked Poster if she could watch her child while she went for the exam. She even offered to sign an agreement absolving Poster of any responsibility should any harm come to her child.
Once again, Poster said no. Roommate made to leave the house anyway and Poster also decided to leave because she was not going to be forced to babysit without her consent.
The title of this post was “Am I the devil”
Amongst some of the comments, I saw some people mention the word “boundaries”. Apparently Roommate was trying to violate Poster’s boundaries by asking her to look after her child for a few hours.
I’m a believer in the importance of boundaries. I believe boundaries are important for healthy relationships and a more efficient way of living. While the word boundary can sound intimidating or unfriendly, it doesn’t have to be. We can all do with setting some boundaries. Setting boundaries in daily living can simply mean speaking your needs and telling people how you would like to be treated.
This can be a radical act sometimes, especially with people who are closest to us e.g, family members. Many times, we feel obligated to accept requests and take up responsibilities that are inconvenient at best and unrealistic at worst, in order to please the ones we love. I have watched this happen enough times to know that all this does is breed resentment and promote entitlement.
Sometime last year, I read a book about boundaries titled Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. In this (amazing, fantastic) book (which you should absolutely read if you struggle with or simply want to learn more about the concept of boundaries), the author talked about the importance of boundaries and gave very practical tips on how to go about setting boundaries in your relationships.
One major take away from the book which I now try to practice more is delivery. Delivery is everything, so when setting boundaries, it is a good idea to be kind and straightforward. You can be assertive without being mean. People generally respond better to kindness than to meanness.
The author also talked about the difference between boundaries and walls. Basically, boundaries allow for flexibility while walls do not. If there’s one thing my thirty five odd years of doing this life thing has taught me, it is that life is not always convenient. Things will not always go according to plan and sometimes it is necessary to go out of your way for yourself and for others.
For this reason, erecting walls in the name of setting boundaries will only make you the type of person that others actively avoid. And if that’s your life goal, then by all means, here’s more cement, but if not?
A very good friend once said to me “you know if it’s not convenient for you, you won’t do it”. So I guess I used to be a walls girl. These days I try to be more of a boundaries girl. I’ve learnt how to speak in measured tones while still firmly making my point. And repeating said point at every violation. And enforcing consequences for serial violations.
This has worked quite well for me for the most part. Even with my parents who I didn’t think I could do this with for the longest time.
So yes, set your boundaries, just not with cement.
This week I listened to
An episode of The Knowledge project that for the first time gave me absolutely nothing. I’ve been trying to get into mindfulness and meditation and hoped this episode titled Effortless Mindfulness would help, but alas. There were lots of words but still, nothing. Please feel free to listen and convince me otherwise.
This week I read
Yinka, Where is Your Huzband? by Lizzie Damilola Blackburn
This is a story about a THIRTY ONE year old British - Nigerian girl who is faced with the great curse of being single past the age of thirty. First I’m biased towards stories set in cities I live/have lived in and this one is set in London. The entire story was a very current depiction of our lives today, with lots of social media references. I also loved that the author gave us romance trope. I imagine young black girls reading books like this and seeing themselves and picturing their future love interest as also looking like them and I think that is amazing. More of this please.
I’ve recently returned from my little stateside holiday and went right back into what was a hellish weekend at work. Hence the delay in sending this out. Apologies.
Here’s wishing you a week of breaking down your walls if you have them, and setting your boundaries if you don’t have them.
Chioma.
P.s: Recognizing that your Roommate of 2 years is struggling and refusing to help out on a very crucial day in her life is evil and wicked. Incase you were wondering what I thought of Posters actions.
Thanks for this. I love this mostly because we are so busy and even though we say we are growing one way or the other,your articles reminds me of things we might perhaps miss whilst doing life.