This past week was long and hard, but it also happens to be the last week of my first year of training, and my last week as a hospital doctor. As a general practice trainee, the rest of my training will be taking place in various GP surgeries (what we call our community outpatient clinics here, similar to the concept of primary health care centres in Nigeria) across town.
The past year has been full of many lessons. As a trainee, there are things I’ve had to do now that I could get away with not doing in the past. For example, when patients are admitted to hospital in this country, one of the things we have to discuss with the patient is a treatment escalation plan. We are required to have a discussion with patients about what they would like to happen if they suddenly deteriorated or went into cardiac arrest.
As you can imagine, this can be a very awkward conversation to have. Imagine that you’ve come to hospital with your mother who is feeling unwell and then a doctor comes into the cubicle to ask you and your mother what you would like to happen if your mother suddenly stopped breathing.
I used to think it was a little cruel to do this to people plus I didn’t feel comfortable enough to have such conversations, so I would just avoid them altogether.
When a patient in hospital goes into cardiac arrest, we are obligated to commence CPR, except they have a Do Not Resuscitate form filled out.
Now I promise you that in real life, this looks nothing like it does on Grey’s Anatomy. More often than not, it looks like assault on a body that life is not likely to return to. The pressure of chest compression can cause broken ribs, clothes are ripped off, blood is being drawn from different vessels, and sometimes we even drill into the bone to gain access to deliver life saving medications. In patients who are already frail or have multiple illnesses, this is usually an exercise in futility that deprives the person of their last shred of dignity.
Surprisingly, when this conversation is had in a sensitive and considerate manner, many patients gladly ask not to be resuscitated. When had at the wrong time or in the wrong manner however, it can lead to patients making formal complaints against a doctor.
The moral of the story is this. Avoiding certain conversations because of their awkwardness can sometimes make an already bad situation worse. And this can apply across all types of settings and relationships.
In my experience, most of the conversations we might consider awkward are usually so because of their importance to the concerned parties. For example, I recently had an interaction with a dear friend that led to us not speaking for weeks. She being the bigger person (make no mistake, I am first and foremost a recovering petty bitch) reached out first and when we had a conversation, we could both see each other’s viewpoints and how our words and actions may have come across to the other person, and we were able to apologise and resume our relationship. But without that conversation, we would have made up our own stories about what the other person meant or thought or felt, and this could potentially lead to a strained relationship going forward or the end of the friendship altogether.
It also helped that we had both had time to think about things and not tried to have a discussion when we were both heated because heated conversations hardly ever go well.
Another valuable thing I learnt about approaching conversations from one of my fave online coach/therapist, is coming to the conversation with the right mindset. Many times we approach conversations with the goal of proving our own point of view as right and this isn’t always helpful. What can help is approaching the conversation with the idea that the opposite of your viewpoint might be the truth and being willing to listen and come to an amicable resolution, even if it is not always the one you would have chosen.
It also helps to use the right language and tone, i.e not be insulting or condescending but instead taking the time to explain your viewpoint clearly and dispassionately. Because even when you’re right, using the wrong tone or language can put the other party on the defensive and make them less receptive of your views.
I’m learning that we can all experience the same event differently and our responses are mostly based on our own previous life experiences and without these conversations, we may never know why people choose certain actions or make certain decisions.
So have that conversation.
It could be with a romantic partner about defining your relationship, or with a colleague about their performance or behaviour at work, or with a loved one about how their actions affect you. It may not always turn out how you’d like, but it might give you valuable insight to make the best decision for yourself.
This week I read
Lost & Found: A Memoir by Kathryn Schulz - This book has been on my TBR list for a while and I finally got around to reading it recently. The book starts out with the author talking about her father’s declining health and eventual passing, and then goes on to how she found love and everything else in between. She also explored these main themes through different lenses, from poetry to astrophysics. The writing in this book was beautifully poignant. She shared her grief and her love and linked all of it so beautifully. A quote from the last page of the book stuck with me.
“We are here to keep watch, not to keep”.
It’s one of those reminders that if lived well, one lifetime is enough, and grief, love and loss are all parts of this experience that we should embrace. Definitely recommend.
I also read an op-ed titled A Message to the Millennials About to Turn 40.
This week I listened to
Yet another episode of TKP titled Trusting your instincts where Shane and his guest Diana Chapman talked about changing the way you respond to challenges and going through your emotions without labelling them as good or bad but instead paying attention to what your fear, anger or envy is telling you about yourself or the situation. Again, any conversation that highlights the value of our emotions is my jam so I loved this one.
I’m ready to expand my podcast horizons, so please feel free to send me recommendations.
I made an appearance on a podcast myself recently. My friend Stella invited me to talk about my journey of intentional living. You can listen here.
It’s my last day of wearing scrubs and I am super excited to unleash my baffs that have been lying fallow for the past four years. Also how amazing is it that I have now hit “Publish” FIFTY times? Congratulations to me.
Here’s wishing you the bravery to have the conversations that matter this week.
Chioma.