55 - Rumbling with the things
One thing that has been a big blessing on this my journey of becoming a better version of myself, is having friends who are on the same wavelength and also doing the work. In practice, this translates to things like feeling more confident about setting your boundaries or getting better at handling conflict because you have friends who model these desirable behaviours. It also translates to rumblings.
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard. - Brene Brown
I had a rumble type conversation with a friend a few weeks ago that has sparked a very different type of introspection. Which is interesting for me because I’m petty by nature, so my usual response to any form of criticism is anger, which lends itself more towards retaliation than introspection. This time however, as my hackles started to rise, I stopped talking and just listened.
My hackles are still raised, but definitely not to the degree they would have been, once upon a time.
The past few weeks of sitting with my feelings has helped me come to a few realisations, which I shall attempt to articulate and share.
Considering how complex the human experience is, even as an individual, it makes sense that we will not always get things right with each other. And these so called difficult conversations are sometimes the only way we can get things right and should therefore be a normal part of healthy relationships.
Regardless of how pure our intentions are, we will get things wrong with each other. We all have our flaws and blind spots, and will cause offence and hurt even when we do not mean to. Unfortunately, the offended parties are always more likely to remember and hold on to these offences and when they are not properly addressed, can fester into bigger wounds that affect the overall health of the relationship.
It is perfectly natural for us as humans, to respond to criticism by getting defensive. It is probably a life saving evolutionary trait. But a defensive response usually doesn’t leave much room for listening. Instead we armour up, and stop listening, and refuse to even consider that there might be some truth in what is being said. Delivery is very important here because even when you have a valid argument, your presentation (and this includes everything from choice of words to tone and body language) can trigger a more defensive response than necessary.
It is also important to recognize when we are responding defensively. This might look like focusing on the parts of the argument that are not factual, or walking away from the conversation, or lashing out with the goal to make the other party feel worse. As an expert in defensive responses, I can tell you that they only end up causing more problems.
Lately, I am learning to apply some curiosity when I find myself getting defensive. Where I would usually stop speaking and walk away, I now try to ask questions as sensitively as possible. I remind myself that we can all experience the same incident differently and neither experience is more valid than the other. I’m constantly amazed at how a simple conversation when had the right way, can dispell assumptions and provide instant clarity.
The hardest lesson however, is learning to apologize. I hate apologizing. Hate. But having friends who model this and having experienced the power of an honest, heartfelt apology, I now understand why it is important to learn how to apologise and to do it more readily. It is hard.
The benefits that arise from a good relationship—whether it be in marriage, friendship, business, or otherwise—are often produced over a long time span.
Is it more important to win this battle or to maintain this relationship? - James Clear
Relationships require effort. And sometimes effort looks like leaving your ego at the door and listening like you would want to be listened to, and extending grace to others, like you would want to receive if you were in their shoes.
This week I read
This beautiful article written by a journalist after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. As one who is very …curious about death and dying, I really enjoyed this poignant reflection on life in the aftermath of a terminal diagnosis. I like to read stories like these because they remind me of what’s important. There’s nothing like knowing your days are numbered to really put things into perspective. I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from the perspectives of others and hopefully make better choices.
This week I listened to
A different Brene Brown podcast - Unlocking us. On this episode, she and her guest Dr Harriet Lerner, talk about How to apologize and why it matters, and it is the most insightful conversation I’ve heard in a while. This episode dragged my petty self for filth. Brene and Dr Lerner talked about Dr Lerner’s new book, “Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”.
She shared her framework for wholehearted apologies and some really helpful tips on how to apologise and what constitutes a proper apology. She also linked an inability to apologise to low self worth and my edges are now gone. Really good listen.
The days are getting shorter and I’m already getting ads for advent calendars on Instagram so it’s basically Christmas already. I was doing one of my mini life audits recently, where I basically scroll through my camera roll to remind myself of the year so far and I’ve done quite well this year, lots of enjoyment has been had, and I haven’t missed a single newsletter or yoga sunday yet. Also celebrating one year of pole fitness this week so congratulations to me.
Here’s wishing you a week of more open hearted conversations.
Chioma.