57 - Giving and Taking the things
Because the world would be a much happier place if we all gave more
Recently, I had been looking for an affordable wardrobe to buy, and after a few disappointments, I found a second hand one on facebook marketplace a few days ago.
It was a vintage wardrobe which came with two side cabinets and a sideboard and I couldn’t believe how little the seller was asking for it. I got in touch to indicate interest, even though I had no way of picking it up. When I spoke to the seller, he kindly offered to deliver it to me at no extra charge and we agreed that all he had to do was get it to my building and I would figure out how to get it up to my first floor flat.
The following day, the seller, R, showed up with his brother S. The wardrobe belonged to their mother who had recently passed and they were now clearing out their childhood home in preparation to sell.
They took a look at the lift and said the wardrobe wouldn’t fit and they probably figured that despite my claims that I would be fine, it would be a struggle for me to get all that furniture upstairs unassisted. They went ahead to carry all that furniture up the stairs and into my flat. And then they showed up the following day to install the wardrobe for me, at no extra charge. I tried to insist that they accept payment, but R simply said “it’s what we do”. According to him, I sounded like a nice lady and he was happy to help.
And just like that, these two strangers I connected with only a couple of days before made my week (and also saved me a lot of money). I am still floored by their generosity.
This interaction got me thinking about giving. How we give, what we give, and so on.
When I think of giving, the first thing that comes to mind is giving physical gifts, but I’m currently reading an interesting book titled Give and Take by Adam Grant, that has me thinking more broadly about giving.
In the book, Grant focuses on the work environment and according to his research,
“it turns out that at work, most people operate as either takers, matchers, or givers. Whereas takers strive to get as much as possible from others and matchers aim to trade evenly, givers are the rare breed of people who contribute to others without expecting anything in return.”
I like that givers are qualified as being rare, because in real life, when most people give, they expect something in return and this is not necessarily a bad thing, which is why the world is made up of more Matchers than Givers or Takers.
According to Grant, Takers tend to give with the expectation of getting something in return, for example, donating to a political campaign in the hopes of gaining favours. While Matchers tend to give only as much as they get, but Givers give just because.
Giving in this context has less to do with physical items, and more to do with giving advice and support to colleagues, which makes givers better collaborators and all round better people to work with. In group projects for example, givers are the ones who do not just do their own bit, but find ways to help their team mates as well, without expecting any special accolades. Marchers tend to do only as much as is required of them, while Takers are more likely to do as little as possible, while presenting themselves as the leader of the group and hog the spotlight.
It is easy to see why Givers are rare. In a world where success is measured by visibility and (access to) wealth, operating as a Giver has its drawbacks. When people know that you’re always willing to give your time away, it is easy to be taken advantage of, and when you’re spending most of your time helping people, it is easy to fall behind in your own pursuits, making it more difficult to sustain productivity, much less attain visibility and/or wealth.
In life (outside of work) a Giver might be the friend who always makes themselves available to listen to everyone’s problems and provide advice, the one you can count on to drop everything and show up when you need them, the person who enlists for every volunteering position available. So it is also easy to see how this can leave one drained and burnt out, especially when it is not reciprocated or even acknowledged.
As much as I like the idea of operating as a giver, I also believe in self-preservation and setting boundaries. Personally, I am happier to give when there are no demands or expectations and when my giving is acknowledged/appreciated, I’m more likely to give more. Also there’s a lot of giving that costs us nothing but means everything to the receiving party. I recently “gave” my sister a few more hours of sleep by making lunch for my nephew while she took a much needed nap and her appreciation was palpable.
Once upon a time, I believed in matching peoples energy and giving only as much as I get, but that now feels tedious so when I find myself in situations where people are not as giving as I would like, I simply remove myself.
We all need things from each other, and the world would be a much happier place if we all gave more. A compliment to a total stranger, a thoughtful gift to a friend just because, a shoulder to cry on, shoes we haven’t worn in years, clothes we might never fit into again. It is also important that we acknowledge the giving and reciprocate if/when we can.
I came across a post on Instagram recently that summarised this type of giving aptly.
i want to be asked to come over and help put my friend's kids to bed as casually as they might text their spouse and ask them to pick up milk on the way home
i want to stop and pick up milk for another friend because i know their spouse hates the grocery store
i want to buy fruit that i don’t like because it's on special and i know people who do
i want to pass lemons over the fence and to take my neighbours bins out when they forget
i want group chats instead of rideshare apps, calls in the middle of the night because someone's at the hospital, lonely or hungry or both
i want to do the dishes in other people's houses, extra servings wrapped in tinfoil and tea towels so it's still warm when you drop it off,
a basket of other people's mending by my couch
i want to be surrounded by reminders that 'imposing' on each other is what we were born to do.
This week I read
A fantastic book titled Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. This was a book club pick a couple of months ago but I didn’t manage to read it in time and now I wish I had. I absolutely love it when books are able to address important issues by incorporating them into the story and that’s exactly what the author managed to do with this book, while still telling a fantastic story through well developed characters.
I am still reading Give and Take and while it is helping me rethink giving, I wish these types of books didn’t have so many sports references because I start zoning out once I hear anything about draft picks and such. Still it is definitely a very worthy read, especially if you’re in any type of leadership position in an organization.
The clocks have gone back and the shorter days seem to be affecting my mood and motivation for the worse, but like my sister says, I might just be suffering a deficiency that can be fixed by supplements (which I do not like to take). However I managed to produce this letter on time for the first time in a few weeks so I guess I’m not doing too badly.
I also recently discovered the Headspace app thanks to a free subscription for healthcare workers. The app records your streaks and if you know me, you know I love a good unbroken streak so hopefully I can finally build and sustain a meditation habit.
Here’s wishing you a week of giving and receiving in little and big ways.
Chioma.