58 - A few things about friendship
Like every relationship, friendship requires effort
One of the harder things about life abroad is how much I miss my friends. When I lived in Lagos, I had book club friends, work friends, internet turned real life friends, and so on. In the four years since I left Lagos, I’ve made some attempts but haven’t managed to build the types of friendships that I desire, so I’ve tried my best to maintain my already existing friendships.
It is not always easy, we all have busy lives full of responsibilities, so a bit of effort is required. Effort sometimes looks/sounds like a 20 minute voice note, or an hour long whatsapp call or an effusive birthday message. Sometimes, it is staying up late to be a sounding board while your friend tries to unravel their thoughts.
Thankfully, I have managed to maintain and even solidify most of my friendships. Fortunately or Unfortunately, I’ve also lost a few and dealing with the breakdown of these friendships has highlighted a few things to me.
Safety and vulnerability. Safety is a major consideration for me when it comes to my friendships. Great friendships require vulnerability and I need to feel safe for me to be vulnerable. Safety in the belief that my vulnerability will not be mocked or taken advantage of or otherwise used against me. Once I don’t feel safe around a person, I know that friendship is not possible, and when I start to feel unsafe where I once felt safe, I know it is time to pack it in.
“If they wanted to, they would.” As busy as life is, we somehow manage to find time for the things we want to do, the things we consider important. I’m a whole day late in sending out this newsletter but that hasn’t stopped me from playing candy crush today. So now when I receive any treatment that lets me know I am an afterthought, I pay attention. On this episode of A bit of Optimism, Simon talked about how he noticed some friends who never reached out until he did, he sent them emails basically stating his observation and that he was now going to stop initiating contact but he would respond if they did. Very cute and polite. Of course they didn’t respond.
The problem is that we sometimes overestimate our position in people’s lives, based on how highly we estimate them in our own lives. Unfortunately this is a mismatch that can happen to anyone, which is why it is important to pay attention and adjust your estimates accordingly. Personally, when I realise this type of mismatch, I remove myself from the situation completely.
It’s not always them, sometimes, it’s you. We all have things that matter to us, and they are not always the same. For example, up until a few years ago, my communication skills were non-existent not great. I didn’t know how to have difficult conversations and I used silent treatment to avoid dealing with things like an adult. It’s one of the reasons I’m surprised I still have friends. So if you’d met me a few years ago, and considered communication to be an important part of friendship, I’d probably have made a very poor friend and you would have been right to end the friendship.
Communicate, communicate, then communicate some more. We sometimes put ourselves through so much suffering based on an assumption, when a simple conversation can set things straight. I once lost a friendship because I was mad at my friend for something I assumed she had done. Instead of discussing it with her, I shut down and withdrew and even when she reached out, I still refused to talk about it with her, instead choosing to talk to other people about it, which of course got back to my friend, and the friendship scattered. Thankfully, I know better now and so when I feel a type of way about anything in any relationship, I speak up. When I don’t feel like using my voice, I send a rambling text message or an email, but I make sure to bring it up, with the concerned party and not to others. This doesn’t always save the friendship though, sometimes it causes a strain that eventually ends things, but sometimes it clears the air and makes the friendship stronger.
Reason and Season. I just stole this one from a random whatsapp update from one of my phone contacts because it felt apt. Once upon a time, I used to think that every failed friendship/relationship was a failure of some sort. But just like some dates are just for discovering new restaurants, not every friendship is supposed to last forever and that’s okay. Perfectly fine friendships can end without any villain or victim. Life just happens sometimes and we drift apart. It’s not everyone who has the capacity to make the effort required to maintain a friendship and that doesn’t make them a bad person. We are all battling our own personal demons to different degrees and sometimes, especially when the demons are winning, everything else takes a back seat.
This week I read
Exciting Times by Naoise Dolan - One of my trusty book friends shared this book and named it her second best book of the year so I added it to my list and started it immediately. I really enjoyed this book. It reminded me how fun words can be when used properly. The wit was dripping from the pages. The main character is an Irish girl working as a teacher in Hong Kong, who doesn’t like much about herself but manages to fall in love with two different people and can’t seem to decide which of them to choose.
This week I listened to
A recently discovered podcast called A bit of optimism with Simon Sinek. I discovered him from the Dare to lead podcast and I liked the title of his podcast so I decided to give him a listen. I like that he episodes are under an hour long. I also like how sincere he sounds. I’ve already heard him get choked up on two episodes and found that refreshing. He could easily have edited it out but didn’t. I’ve listened to a few episodes so far and it just feels like he’s shooting the breeze with good friends who happen to have interesting life insights.
This past weekend, I managed to catch up with one of my Lagos book club friends who also moved from Lagos shortly after I did. Enjoyed catching up and eating and drinking. Looking forward to spending the weekend with another dear friend who lives a whole four hours away. Honestly, not having my friends within driving distance is reducing my quality of life. Looking forward to a weekend of tears and face hurting laughter and dancing.
Here’s wishing you a week of being the type of friend you would want to have.