63 - Doing the things alone

Because sometimes, you are all that you have

I have just returned from a super nourishing trip to Lagos where I spent time with my loved ones and indulged in all my happy things. Although the trip was a short one, I did my best to fill the time with as much activity as I could, and the activity that got allocated the most time was my happiest happy thing - salsa dancing.

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My love affair with salsa began some 8 years ago when I first came across a group of salsa dancers at a health fair in Lagos. I was fascinated by the ease with which they moved their bodies, I thought it was the coolest thing and up until then, I didn’t know that Lagos had such a fun activity on offer. I had a brief demonstration with one of the instructors and I knew I wanted more. He told me about a bar where they met to dance every Thursday night and said I was welcome to join.

I was a little nervous about showing up alone to a place where I knew no one else, but I did anyway and 8 years later, I couldn’t be happier for taking such a brave step because otherwise, I may not have discovered my happiest happy thing.

It was a little awkward to start. I knew no one and had zero dance experience, but the more I showed up, the more people started to recognise me and gradually, more people would invite me to dance and with each dance I said yes to, I would learn a new move and I would make a new acquaintance friend.

8 years later, I am attending dance socials across Lagos/ the world, twirling and spinning and dipping alongside the best of the best.

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As I was watching videos of myself dancing earlier with a huge grin plastered on my face, I wondered how differently things would have turned out if my nervousness about going alone had kept me from walking into that bar. I had tried asking a few of my friends to join me and in fairness to them, they would come maybe once or twice at the most, and I know that if I had only attended on the days when I had company, I would be nowhere near the dancer I am today, and that would have been a great disservice to myself.

The same goes for all many of the activities I participate in. As someone who has had to uproot herself multiple times, my friends are scattered across the world and I do not always have the luxury of having friends who live close enough to join me in doing the things. And if I am being honest, it is sad and very lonely sometimes, showing up alone to places where you do not know anyone but the only other option would be not to show up and still remain sad and lonely at home.

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Showing up to things by myself has taught me how to make new friends and introduce me to communities I may not have been interested in if I had shown up in the company of a friend. It has also taught me focus, because let’s be honest, having the company of friends can be as much fun as it can be distracting.

Another thing I have come to realise over the years of doing things alone is that as individuals, we all have our different motivations and desires and these will not always match up with those of our friends and that is okay. Instead, by stepping out alone, we can find people with similar goals and interests and become friends with them, even if the friendship is limited to the days when you have your common activity.

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As we wind down the first month of the new year, chances are there’s something on your list that you’re yet to start because you haven’t found someone to accompany you and you can’t bear the thought of doing it alone.

How about you imagine that you have just moved to a new town/country/city, and all your friends are too far away to join you. What now. What is the worst thing that could happen if you decided to show up by yourself.

This week I read

10 Minutes 38 Seconds in this Strange World by Elif Shafak

This one was recommended by a friend a couple of years ago but I never got round to reading. However, after reading another book of hers recently - The Island of Missing Trees - I knew I wanted to read more of her work.

This book was about the life of Tequila Leila, a prostitute in the Turkish city of Istanbul, and her unusual band of friends. This book opens with the death of Leila but goes on to tell us the story of her life and the events that shaped her life choices. Elif Shafak has this brilliant way of weaving a nuanced and riveting tale, including all the unpleasantness. She also managed to weave in so much culture and history that I am unlikely to have gained elsewhere. I thoroughly enjoyed this book.

This trip to Lagos was the medicine I needed in just the right dose. There will never be enough words to describe the aloneness I feel sometimes, living in this country. The past ten days have been filled with reminders that I am loved and that I have people, and I needed this more than I realised. It saddens me greatly that conditions in Nigeria are now so terrible that living there is no longer an option for me.

As much as I avoid any and all political discourse, this one time, I just want to say that as we approach election season, if you are a Nigerian living in Nigeria with voting rights, please do your bit to make it such that home becomes more liveable for all of us.

Here’s wishing you a week of doing the things you need to do by yourself because sometimes, all you have is you.

Chioma.