64 - Staying curious about the things

Ask more questions and give less advice

One of my favorite things about Facebook is how you can find a facebook group for any and everything. As part of my search for career options outside of medicine, I joined a facebook group for doctors interested in alternative careers. Doctors from all over the world share their stories about how they pivoted from medicine to other fields and are usually very generous with tips on how they did it.

Sometime last year, I came across a post from a doctor who had transitioned into working as a life coach and I was intrigued. For starters, I did not have a clear idea what life coaches actually do, or if they provided any real value. How does one even become a life coach. I was really curious, not just about what a life coach does, but also if it was something I would be suited for. Thankfully, the lady who posted about her pivot was offering a taster coaching session, and so I signed up.

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The session began with the coach explaining how coaching worked. She explained that a coaching session was different from a therapy session because it was more future focused but as with therapy, emotions could still come up. She said I had to come to the session with a question I needed help with but she was not going to give me any advice. I hadn’t come into the session with any expectations, but in my mind, I had assumed that I would tell her a bit about my life and she would advise me on what things I should be doing more or less of. Hearing that this would not be the case made me a tad more skeptical about the whole process but I was still keen to give coaching a try.

Our one hour session mostly comprised of her asking me questions which made me really think about the question I had come to the session with. There were lots of silences which she didn’t try to fill and so I had time to think even more about my answers to her questions. Her questions helped me explore the problem more deeply, and break it down into bite-sized parts that I felt I could do something about.

There were tears as well. I can’t remember what question it was that she asked but I remember trying to answer and just bursting into tears because it had clearly triggered some big emotions.

At the end of the session, I had more clarity on the matter and actionable steps with tentative timelines that made me feel so much more in control of things. I ended the session feeling like coaching is definitely something I would like to add to my life (once I can afford it of course, because coaches are not cheap) and also recommend to others.

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I was quite fascinated by the fact that I had gained so much clarity on a topic, just by being asked the right questions and being given the opportunity to come up with possible solutions. I guess I’m more used to presenting my problems to people and being given advice or suggestions based on what they would do if they were in my position.

This past week, I had the opportunity to practice my coaching skills as part of a leadership programme I am currently enrolled in and it was interesting to discover just how hard it is not to jump in with advice when others present their issues to you. In the role play session, I had started out with curiosity, asking open ended questions and listening, but once I decided I had the problem figured out, I started foisting my suggestions on my colleague in the form of questions. Thankfully, we had a very observant facilitator who helped redirect me back to the path of curiosity.

This role-play session also helped me realise that as humans, most of our problems have many layers to them, and the thing we think about as the problem, is usually just a symptom or maybe a small part of what the real problem is. And this is why talking about things can be so beneficial. There’s great value in being able to articulate your thoughts, and to have someone hold space for you while you do. Not in a way that allows you to indulge in self pity, but in a more constructive way.

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Another important thing to consider is that when people share their problems, they may not always be looking for advice. Sometimes just having a sounding board is enough, so before you jump in with advice, it might be helpful to ask what exactly it is the person who has come to you needs.

It is easy to understand why we might be quick to jump in with advice. More often than not, we think it is what the other person wants (and it very well might be). There’s also the feeling of importance that comes with being an advice-giver. If your opinion is being sought, then surely it must mean that you generally have great opinions. However, it is more empowering when one is able to leave a conversation with solutions they’ve come up with, rather than well meaning advice that might not be suited to their own unique circumstances.

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Unfortunately, my current living budget is unable to accomodate a coach, but I am grateful for my friends who have been unofficially coaching me for years. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that they know I’m stubborn and will go ahead to do exactly what I like anyway, but I am really grateful for friends who listen without judgement and hold space for me to untangle things and choose how to proceed.

I like to think that’s the type of friend I am too. Maybe one day I’ll become a coach myself. Who knows.

This week I read

The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier. I started reading a different book by this same author a while ago, but I switched to this one a few days ago because I wanted to learn a bit more about coaching. This is a quick read with very actionable points. I always appreciate when authors acknowledge that their chosen topic/field might trigger some skepticism but still go ahead and use their words to bring enlightenment and reduce skepticism.

Michael Stanier uses 7 questions to highlight how staying curious and asking the right questions can save us from always going into advice giving mode. Because more often than not, our advice is not that great anyway.

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

I think one of my book friends recommended this one so I added it to my list. I liked the premise of the story. A woman who is dissatisfied with her life attempts to end it and is instead given the opportunity to sample all the different lives she could have lived. The book got a little repetitive for me in parts and it was very clear what the moral of the story was. It was also full of lots of quotables which made it a little like a self-help novel but I still enjoyed the premise of it.

“Never underestimate the big importance of small things”

“And that sadness is intrinsically part of the fabric of happiness. You can’t have one without the other. Of course, they come in different degrees and quantities. But there is no life where you can be in a state of sheer happiness forever. And imagining there is just breeds more unhappiness in the life you’re in.”

“You see, doing one thing differently is very often the same as doing everything differently.”

Once upon a time, I might have rolled my eyes a little at the aspire to perspire-ness of it all but now that I am also a peddler of similar rhetoric……*crickets*

This week I listened to

I noticed Michael Stanier referred to Brene Brown in his book so I knew she must have had him on her podcast. I enjoyed listening to them talk about how to use the coaching questions and the power of holding space for someone to come up with solutions to their own problems, instead of playing the fixer role and jumping in with advice.

It’s the week of love and although I do not have anything planned for Valentine’s this year, it is my pleasure to wish all who shall be celebrating a love filled Valentine. And if you’re one of those people who like to go on about how Valentine’s is a capitalist creation and love should be celebrated everyday, and so on, I hope you find love.

Here’s wishing you a week of staying curious just a little bit longer, and keeping your well intentioned sage advice to yourself.

Chioma.

P.s: Another coach I intend to check out.