79 - Leadership things in parenting
Applying leadership skills to parenting
I’ve known for a while that I would like to pivot away from clinical practice at some point. While the direction of this pivot is still unclear, I decided to acquire more non-clinical skills. As part of my efforts, I recently applied and got accepted to a year-long Leadership and Management program.
Prior to applying to this program, I had never given much thought to leadership. To me, it was a word bandied about by higher-ups in corporate and had nothing to do with me. Now that I am starting to learn about leadership (including the fact that it is/ can be taught), I’m particularly struck by the parallels to parenting.
Once you become a parent, you’re automatically responsible for the growth, development and formation of a whole person and that to my mind is the most critical leadership position. Unfortunately, many people go into this position without enough consideration of the knowledge and skills required to play this very important role. I know that for those who are interested, there are a number of parenting books and resources available and while I’ve never read a single one, I imagine that they would have similar messages to some of the leadership material I’ve been engrossed in lately.
I shall now proceed to share some of the parallels I’ve been drawing all week.
Leadership is driven by relationships between people.
I’ve listened to a lot of leadership talk over the past few days and the major common denominator in every single conversation was people/relationships. Being a leader is impossible without people to lead and if no one wants to follow you, then you can’t really be an effective leader.
What are the qualities then that we might look out for in people we want to follow? When I think about some of my favourite leaders, past and present, they’re usually the ones who take the time to cultivate a relationship and make the effort to get to know me as a person. The ones who make time for a chat and remember random things about me, like my hobbies. The ones who notice when I’m not acting like my usual self and stop me to ask what the matter might be. Consequently, I am more willing to go the extra mile for such leaders when required.
I watched a video recently where a number of parents were asked basic questions about their children that they were unable to answer, even with the children standing right next to them. This is likely a result of a lack of effort on the part of the parent to take a genuine interest in their child as an individual and not just an extension of themselves that they need to provide for.
It shouldn’t be a surprise then when children in such relationships grow up and barely communicate with their parents because they have nothing but genes in common. While genes might make one feel duty-bound to do things, they don’t quite fill the long gaps in conversation resulting from both parent and child knowing little about each other. Neither do they inspire great acts of selflessness.
Good leaders provide psychological safety.
Psychological safety is the belief that one can speak up, take risks, and be oneself without fear of negative consequences. A psychologically safe environment in the workplace is one where employees feel comfortable being vulnerable and sharing their thoughts, feelings, and ideas with their colleagues and leaders. - Leaderfactor.com
I like that the word vulnerability was included in this definition because in my experience it is key in creating a psychologically safe environment. The seniors I have felt safest with at work are the ones who remind me that it is okay to make mistakes by sharing their own mistakes and answering my questions without making me feel stupid or like I’m bothering them. This type of support has enhanced my learning and made me more confident in my decision-making process.
As a parent, providing a psychologically safe environment can literally be the difference between life and death for your child. Children are already a vulnerable class, but children who don’t feel safe enough to share their experiences with or confess their mistakes to their parents are at risk of grave danger.
I came across a tweet recently about a child who died because they were too scared to tell their parents that they had been bitten by a snake. I shudder at the thought of the pain that the child chose over dealing with the potential fallout of telling their parents.
We all learn by making mistakes, especially when we are children and children who are not allowed to make mistakes don’t get to learn as much as their counterparts who do.
Good leaders criticize constructively.
Being a leader sometimes requires having difficult conversations with members of your team. The ability to have such conversations while still according to people their dignity and respect is the mark of a good leader. No one wants to be led by a person who uses insults as a tool for correction.
Imagine how you as an adult with your already developed sense of self might respond to a boss who chooses to belittle you in front of your colleagues for performing poorly. Then imagine what it might feel like for a child to experience that from a parent.
Many of our character traits are a direct result of the feedback we received for our behaviours and actions as kids. This is why positive reinforcement is important. A good leader/parent tends to call attention to the behaviours they want to encourage, rather than constantly focus on shortcomings.
Good leaders remain tough-minded on standards of performance while remaining tender-hearted with people. - Marshall Goldsmith
I believe that it is absolutely possible to get the best out of people while being kind and considerate. The mindset that you have to be a hardliner to get the best results out of people is simply not true. It is also untrue that being kind undermines your authority as a leader.
A good leader/parent should be able to enforce desired standards, while still considering the full humanity of others.
Being a parent is a blessing and such a huge responsibility. No one is born with the tools or temperament for it but they can be acquired and when you sign up for such an important role, you should probably work on acquiring the requisite skills.
While I have chosen to focus on parenting today, the truth is that we can all apply these leadership lessons in different aspects of our lives. I could go on but I’ll save the rest so I actually have something to write next week.
This week I am reading
Someday, Maybe by Onyi Nwabineli - This one was suggested by Jola of @happynoisemaker as their book club pick for October. If it’s written by a Nigerian woman, chances are I’m going to read it and thankfully, this one has not been a disappointment so far. The author uses the best analogies and vivid imagery to tell this story of grief and how the unexpected loss of a loved one can turn your world on its head. The story also explores the complexity of familial relations and how we can be either hero or villain, depending on who is narrating. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.
I should add that I’m listening to the audiobook and once again I’m having to deal with that mock Nigerian accent that makes me want to become a voice-over artist just so I can put an end to this foolishness.
This week I listened to
I laughed so much while recording this episode. I’m truly enjoying this chill fortnightly catch-up with my girls.
I searched the word “leadership” on my two favourite podcasts and listened to as many episodes as I could but I’ll share just one from each.
Brene with Mike Erwin talking about his book, Leadership is a relationship.
Shane and Marshall Goldsmith discussing the essentials of leadership.
I had a very random idea occur to me as I was falling asleep a few nights ago. The idea is to start a picture-story series where I choose a picture and tell a story related to that picture. I started to talk myself out of it as soon as I woke up the following morning so I decided to mention it here for accountability, now I have to do it. The original idea was to post on my Instagram page, but I’ve never been one to read long captions on IG and didn’t want to punish anyone. I’ve decided instead to resurrect my medium page and write there.
Here’s wishing you a week of leading as you would like to be led.
Chioma.
I love the picture story idea. *adds "remind Chioma" prompt to calendar*