81 - Asking for the things
Speaking up about your needs so they can be met
A couple of weeks ago, I had a meltdown at work. Thee day had started like any other Wednesday. I’d woken up late but managed a quick workout before heading to work. I remember feeling very unmotivated halfway through my morning clinic and doing my best to push through. I went to see my supervisor for a debrief afterwards and when she asked me how my clinic went, I responded by bursting into tears. I’d had a hectic on-call shift the day before and seeing the amount of admin work I still had outstanding tipped me over the edge.
A few days ago, I sent an email to my educational supervisor, explaining that I was feeling overwhelmed by my workload. It turns out that due to a mix-up, I was assumed to be at a higher level of training and had been assigned the matching responsibilities and so far I appear to have been performing very well so everyone assumed I was fine. Which I also thought I was, until I wasn’t. I had whined to my fellow trainees but hadn’t initiated a formal conversation with my seniors.
In response to my email, I have now been given the option to reduce my workload and review things as I progress. Now I can resume the work week with a little less dread, but only because I spoke up.
Closed mouths don’t get fed on this boulevard - Ace Hood, 2011
I like the imagery inspired by the above quote. Just as it is impossible to be fed through a closed mouth, it is more difficult to get what you want if you don’t ask for it.
I’ve always struggled with asking for things. I was a very shy child and the thought of opening my mouth in front of strangers would sometimes fill me with panic. I’ve managed to overcome most of the shyness but then other things have come with age.
There’s a bit of pride. Asking for things means putting yourself at another persons mercy and that has never been my idea of fun. There’s also a bit of shame. Admitting that your’re struggling or not where you think you should be can trigger a shame spiral. There’s also a lot of vulnerability involved in asking for your needs, especially in personal/romantic relationships and sometimes I feel like I would rather chew denim than say “this is what I need from you as my friend/lover/partner/sneaky link.”
A few years ago, a very wise former friend said something that I have since held on to. “The worst that can happen is that they will say no”. Ordinarily I’d have rolled my eyes at that statement, but I also watched her be the embodiment of getting fed by simply opening your mouth to ask, so I decided to try. I started practicing asking for things and it has been interesting how simple it is.
Simple because once I get over myself and just ask, nothing bad actually happens. I sometimes get what I want, and even when I do not, I have at least made my wants known, and it is now up to me to decide what to if/when they can not be met.
We sometimes assume that people should know what we want/need and give it to us but again this is not always the case as most people do not have mind reading powers. It is easy for resentment to set in when we feel like our needs are not being met by those we assume should know and this can lead to relationship breakdown. I do think (in some cases) it is unfair to blame people for not giving you what you haven’t asked for. Things are so much easier when you are able to state what it is you do want.
Speaking up and asking for things is not always easy, but doing so only increases your chances of getting what you want and in my book, that is enough reason to try.
This week I am reading
What Got You Here Won't Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith. After listening to Marshall Goldsmith on The Knowledge Project, I checked out his books and although I did abandon the first one I picked up, I am really liking this one so far.
In this book, he draws on his many years of coaching successful people to highlight some of the worst interpersonal habits exhibited in the workplace. He also gives simple actionable advice on how to fix these habits and ultimately become better people to work with.
All the interpersonal habits discussed and their fixes can be applied to our everyday relationships so I’d definitely recommend this as a necessary read.
This week I listened to
On this episode, Dami had a number of random questions that were very revelatory of our personalites and how well we know each other. There’s also a hilarious strip club story. Do give us a listen.
As is usual with this time of year, things are up and down for me mentally and I am doing my best not to slide too far down and so far I am doing alright. I am ready for Christmas and already looking forward to the New Year. I think 2023 has tried we can pack it in now.
Hopefully the sun is out wherever you are reading this and you are showing appreciation and taking full advantage.
Here’s wishing you a week of opening your mouth and verbalizing your needs.
Chioma.
✅💯…