Growing up, my mother had this saying that you only apologise for things you did in error. As you can imagine, this meant that apologising wasn’t a common occurrence at home. When we did apologise to each other, it was usually a forced situation, the one where you say “I’m sorry” just so somebody feels mollified and things can go back to normal.
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend and in the course of the conversation, I pointed out something she did that I didn’t like and she immediately owned up to it, acknowledged her actions, and apologised, all in the space of a minute or two. After the conversation, I sent her a message saying thank you for showing me how simple an apology can be, and the profound impact it can have when done properly. The ease and sincerity of her apology felt like a gift. I felt heard and it allowed us to continue our conversation without awkwardness.
I’m not good at apologizing and it’s not something I do often. I want to blame this on the fact that it wasn’t modelled to me growing up, but I’m learning that is only part of the reason. A meaningful apology requires acknowledgement and accountability and acknowledging that you are/were wrong can sometimes feel like criticism or even an attack on your person. There is a level of vulnerability required to admit that something could have been better if you had acted differently. And sometimes shame gets thrown in the mix as well.
So in reality, there are many valid reasons why it can be difficult to apologize properly. It is much easier to ignore the situation completely and hope that things smooth over with time, than do the hard work of sitting with and working through your emotions.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Difficult conversations do. Vulnerability does. Apologies and change behaviour do. @the.holistic.psychologist
As with most situations, the easier option is usually the one that’s bad for you, and it’s no different in this one. While it might seem easier to avoid an apology, and all the difficult conversations it might raise, the alternative is far worse. The passage of time only allows unhealed wounds to fester. Resentment starts to set in and the conversation you avoided shows up as an angry outburst that leads to a fractured or even dead relationship.
Having established the importance of apologizing we can now address how to go about it in a meaningful way. Thankfully, I found the perfect guide. Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner
I came across Harriet via an episode of Unlocking Us with Brene Brown and although I haven’t managed to read this book just yet, she and Brene discussed it at length on her podcast. In her book, she shares nine essential ingredients to a heartfelt apology, which I shall share with you of course.
A true apology does not include the word “but”. I had to look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word “but” - used to introduce an added statement, usually something that is different from what you have said before. Basically, anything you say after the word but is negating whatever came before it. So if you say I’m sorry but, what you’re really saying is you’re not that sorry.
A true apology keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response. Focusing on the other person’s response shows a lack of acknowledgement of how your actions caused hurt and also invalidates the feelings of the hurt party and can potentially make a bad situation worse.
A true apology does not get caught up in who is more to blame or who started it. You apologize for your part of the problem even if the other person can not see their part. This one is hard, I can’t lie but two wrongs have never made a right. Sometimes both parties in an argument can feel hurt and it takes one person offering a heartfelt apology for things to de-escalate and then the other person might recognize their own part of the problem.
A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it is going to make the hurt party feel worse. All apologies are not welcome. We all know it is good to apologise, so we sometimes apologise too quickly to make ourselves feel better, minimise the awkwardness and hope things can go back to normal. I always say it is better not to apologise if you don’t mean it. A bit of reflection is sometimes required to come to the point of acknowledgement and it is better to take the time to reflect and then come back with a sincere apology than to offer an insincere apology immediately.
A true apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive. As an unforgiving babe, I like this one. I honestly do not believe that everyone deserves forgiveness. Some of us might need some time to consider an apology and decide if we choose to accept it or not. When you have wronged someone, it is not up to you to decide how they respond and the expectation of forgiveness can be a burden to the hurt party.
An apology is not an end to the conversation. If anything, it can be the catalyst for extensive conversations about how all concerned parties can act differently in similar situations and this can help strengthen the relationship.
A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Because saying the words is not enough and actions speak louder than words.
A true apology should not serve to silence another person. An example, I’ve said I’m sorry 10 times. Let’s not bring it up anymore.
A good apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation.
A true apology does not overdo.
As human beings, we need relationships and connections to survive and inevitably, we will make mistakes that might lead to hurting people around/in relationships with us. It is therefore essential to learn how to give and receive wholehearted apologies to maintain these relationships that are central to our existence.
This week I listened to
A completely new to me podcast by Nedra Tawaab. She’s the author of the book that taught me about boundaries - Set boundaries, find peace - but I had no idea she had a podcast until a few days ago. When I’m meditating on a topic/subject, I tend to seek out easy-to-digest resources on my topic of choice and that is how I came across this podcast. The episode - Issue apologies after tackling the issue - felt very timely for me. I like the format of people sending voice messages and her responding. I also like that the episodes are short. Will be listening to more.
I’m sorry, how to apologize and why it matters. This is the episode of Unlocking Us that I referenced above. I listened to this one a long time ago but I read the transcript while writing this and it perfectly captured everything I wanted to say and more. I have saved it and shall be sending it to one or two people.
Another episode of catching up with my girls. This podcast is definitely one of the things I am thankful for this year. I really like how organic the conversations are and how well we know each other. Forever grateful to the internet for bringing these women into my life.
As always, if you do listen, let us know what you think.
I honestly did not think I had a newsletter in me this week so this is a huge triumph for me and I hope you enjoy it. Things have been …. somehow. Life has been lifing lately and to be honest, I am feeling very tired. I’m having to remind myself more often how much there is to be thankful for and there is plenty.
Happy Thanksgiving to my US folks. I hope the holiday is an enjoyable one for you.
Here’s wishing you a week of apologising like you mean it.
Chioma.