93 - Failing at the things
Reflections on a failed exam attempt
So…… I failed my exam.
Two Thursdays ago, the day the result was released, I woke up with a sinking feeling. It is a feeling I became familiar with in the lead-up to this exam. I would wake up with what felt like a pang of hunger but slightly different, like my stomach was a bottomless pit I could never fill. It took a while for me to recognize this as a symptom of anxiety.
I tried to go about my day as usual. I went to my sewing class and chose to stay back afterwards and work on my current project as a means to distract myself. Later in the day, a friend called to tell me the results had been released but I was too anxious to check it on my own. Another friend called to ask if I had checked. When I said I hadn’t she offered to stay on the phone with me while I checked. And so I did.
I was numb with shock for the first 48 hours or so. I kept myself busy with nothing and everything. I had a broom in my hand when the first crying attack came. Since then the tears have flowed freely.
Seeing as this is the thing I have dwelt on the most in the past 11 days, it is only fair that I share some of my reflections.
The fear of the thing is usually greater than the thing itself. Shortly before I got my results, I had jokingly said to a friend of mine that if I did not pass, she might be visiting me in the hospital. I honestly thought that I would have a sort of breakdown if things didn’t go as I had hoped. Fortunately, that has not been the case. I have been tremendously sad, angry too but I’ve been able to carry on with things while giving room for the crying attacks.
Identifying too strongly with a thing. During one of my therapy sessions recently, we explored my feelings of anxiety about the exam and I had a few realisations. Academic success has been a big part of my identity for most of my life. Growing up I was praised for my good grades. I was the child who had the third-best score in her school the year she sat the National Common Entrance exam. Even as an adult I still enjoy the admiration I get when I introduce myself as a doctor. The result of this is that any academic failure feels like a deeply personal fail. This time around, things feel different. As sad as I am, I’m able to recognize that failing at this one thing doesn’t make me a failure. My theory on what has helped make this time different is the work I have done over the years to diversify my portfolio of identities.
Normalize failure. I was recently asked how I deal with failure and my response was “I make sure I do not fail”. Ya.
It is safe to say that I don’t handle failure very well. The thing is no one really likes to share their stories of failure. It is neither fun nor sexy but it is part of life. If you try enough things, you will fail at some. This is what I have had to remind myself of lately. So when I saw my result, I shared it with the people I would have shared with if I had passed. I didn’t keep it to myself or wait to be asked. I don’t know that this singular act made any difference to how I felt/am feeling but I think it helped me acknowledge that this thing did happen.
Shit happens. As much as I might come across as a peddler of positivity, there are still some things I do not subscribe to, at least not yet. One such thing is the “everything happens for a reason” concept. I might actually throw hands if someone said this to me in my current state. Maybe if I hadn’t worked so hard I wouldn’t be struggling to accept this outcome. Ideally, I expected that my efforts would be rewarded with success but life is full of less than ideal situations. Shit just happens sometimes and this is one such time.
It is okay to grieve. The word grief is generally associated with losing a person but it applies to all loss. I feel a little ridiculous using the word grief in this context but the truth for me is that this is a loss. Financially, emotionally even mentally. And when you lose something, it is okay to be sad. It also helps when your loss is acknowledged and witnessed. I have been fortunate enough to have friends who can literally feel my pain because they have had a similar experience or at least know how they might be similarly affected if they were in my shoes. I am truly grateful for friends who encourage me to feel my feelings.
I realise that it is sometimes awkward dealing with people who are grieving, but I’m learning that it is usually better to say something, than act like nothing has happened or worse still, try to minimise or invalidate what someone is feeling.
This too shall pass. The last time I failed an exam was in 2016. I had completely forgotten about this and would probably not have remembered it if I hadn’t failed this time. That is how I know that I will be fine. As much as things suck right now, one day I will struggle to remember this failure because so much else would have happened and it will only be a tiny blip in the reel of my life.
Recently I read
What Happened to Ruthy Ramirez by Claire Jimenez - I’m enjoying reading books from “minority” authors. It is interesting to learn how similar certain experiences can be across cultures. This was an interesting read that tried to highlight the poor treatment of minorities compared to their white counterparts when a tragic event happens. I did not really care for how she used the reality TV show to get her point across but it was enjoyable all the same. A good quick read but not the most memorable.
Recently I listened to
An episode of Death, Sex and Money where a doctor shared her story of losing her 16-month-old baby and how it felt to be on the other side of things. And how her experience has helped her relate with her patients better.
Another episode where a mother of two autistic kids shared her regrets on motherhood and it is the most honest conversation on the topic that I have heard in a while.
I’m still going through the stages of grief. Currently stuck between sadness and anger. Still screaming internally every time I remember I have to take this exam again. Thankfully I have a holiday coming up and intend to party my sorrows away.
Here’s wishing you a week of making peace (or war) with the things that haven’t gone like you hoped they would.
Chioma.
P.S: Male tears
I’m so sorry the results were not favorable. It is saddening and frustrating but I’m happy it’s led you to some important reflections. Try to enjoy your break and come back ready to crush it this time! Rooting for you!