95 - Building community with the things
Combating loneliness through intentional community building
My desire to learn sewing started when I first watched Sound of Music as a child. The fact that Maria could fashion new clothes for the kids out of curtains was the coolest thing to me. Fast forward many many years later, I found a place that offers sewing classes and signed up. My current class is made up of a lovely bunch of women who all happen to be older than myself, with a lot more life and sewing experience. We meet on Thursdays and spend several hours chatting about nothing and everything while sharing whatever delicious baked treat has been brought in by one of the ladies. Thanks to this group, Thursdays have become my favourite day of the week.
One of the things I’ve mourned the most about leaving home is the lack of community and how isolating life abroad can be. There’s an overwhelming loneliness that can set in when you are a stranger in a foreign land, feeling invisible because you don’t understand the social and cultural references of your new location. Forced to learn the phonetic spelling of your name or even answer to different variations of your name because some people find your name “too difficult” to spell or pronounce. It has taken almost 6 years, but I’m finally starting to feel a sense of community here and my sewing group has been the perfect example of community.
For me, it is a space where I get to share an activity I enjoy with other people who also enjoy the same activity. These other people also make the effort to get to know me and make me feel included in most conversations and activities. We look forward to our weekly meetings and check in when anyone is missing. Our interactions take place only once a week and we can hardly be described as bosom buddies, but I am always treated with kindness and respect and all this is a big part of the recipe for building community which can be a cure for loneliness.
Loneliness - a gap between the connections that you need and the social connections that you have.
Loneliness tends to be stigmatized because the word implies that people who are lonely are probably not likeable or defective in some way. On the other side of things, it is also not considered cool to openly admit that you need people and this makes people less likely to admit that they are lonely, much less do anything about it.
As much as the world is moving towards a more individualistic approach to life and living, the truth is that humans are designed for connection. The tricky bit is that these connections are not always automatic, and generally require some level of intention and effort.
Another misconception is that we only need certain relationships and connections e.g. family and romantic partners. This means that some people tend to focus solely on those relationships to the detriment of others. This can still result in loneliness because we need different types of connections to live a truly full life.
Researchers have identified three dimensions of loneliness to reflect the particular type of relationships that are missing. Intimate or emotional loneliness is the longing for a close confidant or intimate partner, someone with whom you share a deep mutual bond of affection and trust. Relational or social loneliness is the yearning for quality friendships, and social companionship and support. Collective loneliness is the hunger for a network or a community of people who share your sense of purpose and interests.
These three dimensions together reflect the full range of high-quality social connections that humans need in order to thrive. The lack of relationships in any of these dimensions can make us feel lonely, which helps to explain why we may have a supportive marriage yet still feel lonely for friends and community.” - Dr Vivek Murthy
As a sometimes socially awkward babe, building connections is definitely something that requires effort for me, so I thought I would share my thoughts on some of the things that have helped me so far.
Being myself. On some level, I think we all have an ideal self in our heads that we try to mould ourselves into. We seek validation by trying to be the type of person we think would be attractive or more accepted by other people. In reality, trying to make yourself into someone else usually backfires because when you’re trying to stay in character, you are never able to fully relax and people can usually sense that something is off and may not be as interested in connecting with you. Conversely, they might be interested based on what you have presented, only to later discover that’s not who you really are and this also does not foster true connection. What I have found is that being yourself is more likely to attract the type of people you want/need.
Learning to trust others. Maybe not trust completely, but at least see the good in others. As a person who comes from a low-trust society, I understand how it feels to be sceptical about strangers and their motives. This is a huge barrier to building a connection. There will no doubt be times when people will disappoint you, but many a time, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the kindness of random strangers. Give people a chance to surprise or even disappoint you.
Show up. Every interaction is a building block for connection. It could be as simple as attending an event to support your friend or as involved as helping them move house or just sitting with them in times of grief/loss. Try to show up for people in whatever capacity you can. People who are on the receiving end of an act of kindness are more likely to remember it and subsequently reciprocate.
Don’t be afraid to make the first move (But look face). I attended a notoriously snobbish secondary school and still have memories of being ignored by people I’ve attended class with. However, for the most part, adults do not behave the same way. If you strike up a conversation with a random stranger, there’s a chance they might respond, and even if they do not, it has cost you nothing except maybe a bruised ego. The same goes for reaching out to someone who you think has similar interests or you might be interested in being friends with. They might say yes or they might say no, but if you don’t make that first move, you might never know.
The world appears to be moving towards a more individualistic way of living. Thanks to technological innovations, it is so much easier to be self-sufficient but I’ve seen enough post-apocalyptic movies to know that when it comes down to it, we all need each other. I hope that more of us start to recognize this and do the work to foster the communities and connections that keep us going.
Recently I read
The Son of the House by Cheluchi Onyemelukwe-Onuobia. I recently accepted an Audible free trial and found this on the list of books included in the trial and decided to give it a go and I am so glad I did.
For starters, the audiobook was performed, not just by a Nigerian but a native Igbo speaker and this brought the book to life in the best possible way. The writing was sublime. The choice of words, the storytelling style, the story itself, everything felt authentically Nigerian. I particularly loved the selection of Igbo names and the use of idioms. The author managed to capture the casual patriarchy that is woven into the fabric of Nigerian society and the cultural practices that uphold said patriarchy. As an Igbo woman myself, the story resonated a bit too much but in a good way. In a way that made me thankful for the time I am living in.
I have too many good things to say about this book but I will stop at this - Read it.
Recently I listened to
An episode of Unlocking Us with Brene Brown. When I started thinking about loneliness and community, Brene naturally came to mind and I’m glad she had just the conversation I was looking for. In this episode on Loneliness and Connection, she talks to Dr Vivek Murthy who is the author of a book titled Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. They talked about some of the things that help build connection as well as those that hinder it. They also highlighted something I’ve noticed myself which is the effects of loneliness on our mental and physical health. Great conversation as usual.
Finally! I cannot believe how long it took me to produce this newsletter. Writing has been a bit of a struggle lately and I am not sure why but I am just glad that I finally managed to write again.
I hope you have been well.
Here’s wishing you a week of doing the work to build the community you deserve.
Till next time, take care of yourselves and each other. (R.I.P Jerry!)
Chioma.
P.S: Guess whose birthday is only 31 days away 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽