98 - Building a positive mindset using the things
Small things that lead to a more positive life outlook
It is safe to say that Birthday season 2024 has been a resounding success. There was cake and balloons, lots of well wishes and a lot of ass-shaking involved. I had many moments where I truly felt like the luckiest girl in the world, which is interesting for me because I used to be a proper Negative Nancy.
I remember my Mum coming into my room to wish me Happy Birthday at midnight on my 28th birthday and meeting me in tears. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t respond. I was crying because my life neither looked nor felt like I thought it was supposed to and I was struggling to see how things could get better. Fast forward 10 years and I feel very different. While there are still aspects of my life that could do with some improvement, for the most part I am quite happy with where I am and my outlook for the future is quite positive.
This got me thinking about the ways in which I have changed over the past decade. The things I am doing now that I wasn’t doing (as much of) then. Things that have shifted me towards a more positive mindset. And of course, I’ve decided to share them with you this week.
Live in the present. Past me used to worry a lot about the future. I had this picture in my mind of how my life was supposed to look. I had spent a number of years on the dream of becoming a doctor in America who would be earning ridiculous amounts of money that would afford me all the designer items I wanted. This didn’t happen of course but I held onto the dream hard enough that I wasn’t paying enough attention to the things that were going well for me. Making a conscious effort to live in the present helped me become more aware of the things that were actually going well and as it turns out, there is usually at least one thing that is going well.
“Even if you don’t have all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you don’t want.” Singer and songwriter Bob Dylan on the advice his father gave him
Take delight in everything. I’m not sure when or how exactly it happened but I have become a “stop-and-smell-the-roses girl. I have become this person who takes great joy in the littlest things and it feels like a major life hack. I no longer reserve my joy for big accomplishments. I congratulate myself for and celebrate even the tiniest achievements. This means that I am almost always celebrating something. The net result is a sort of baseline happy state that I spend most of my time in.
“To live only for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain which sustain life, not the top. Here’s where things grow.” - Writer and philosopher Robert Pirsig on enjoying the journey
Drown out the noise. I am a somewhat heavy internet/social media user, but I used to be an even heavier social media user. From Hi5 to Facebook to Twitter, I knew so much about the lives of random acquaintances and strangers. It got to the point where I was having dreams about people I only knew as an @. I would go down rabbit holes and random gossip blogs just consuming content that was not beneficial to me in the slightest. I realised I was making myself sad by spending too much time comparing my life to the lives of strangers whose life circumstances I knew nothing of. These days, my social media consumption, while still heavier than I would like, is carefully curated to focus on the things that actually interest me and teach me and make me happy.
Embrace selfishness. I know this one sounds somehow, but stay with me. As the first child in a typical Nigerian family, I have always had to be responsible for others and this sometimes leads to ignoring or neglecting my own needs. There’s also a quiet resentment that starts to build over time and resentment never yields anything positive. When I eventually clocked that I was depleting myself by trying to be everything to everyone, I started to reign it in. I am now quick to remove myself from situations that do not serve me. I use my “No” more frequently and with less guilt. This means that when I do say yes to people and things, it is because I want to be there/involved and so I show up joyfully.
Get therapy. I’ve probably talked about this here previously, but one of my coping mechanisms used to be repression. There are significant chunks of my life that are simply missing from my memory because I stuffed them away and never processed certain events. I had a lot of misplaced guilt and shame that had never been talked about, much less dealt with until a few years ago. In hindsight, I realise I didn’t like myself very much and this translated into being a miserable bitch on occasion. While therapy is not a magic potion, it helped me work through many of the things I had previously ignored. It helped me forgive myself and I think that has made a huge positive impact on how I see myself and approach my life now.
I still have many questions about this whole life thing and on many days it makes no sense to me. However, I’ve decided that as long as I am here I might as well participate and participate fully and having a positive mindset shift has been incredibly helpful. I still feel a tad awkward when anyone refers to me being overly positive because it wasn’t on brand for me but then I remember how miserable my life used to feel and I quite prefer this more positive version of myself so I think I’ll stay here.
You’re welcome to join me of course.
Recently I listened to
Episode #202 of The Knowledge Project. Shane has a chat with Matthew Dicks who is a storytelling expert and as a storyteller myself, I quite enjoyed it. Their conversation reminded me that storytelling is an art. The guest answered almost every question with a story but my favourite one was the story he told in response to the question “How do we teach confidence to speak in public/be vulnerable”. Great conversation as usual.
The days are getting shorter as summer winds down. I’m already missing the longer days but also welcoming the slower pace of the final 4 months of the year. I need to go into hibernation for a few weeks as I prepare to take my exam again, so if you do not hear from me for a bit, you know why.
I hope life is treating you well enough.
Here’s wishing you a week of throwing away bad vibes and embracing good vibes.
Chioma.
P.s: Still accepting birthday gifts.