06-New stories lead to new things.
In my last letter I started the exploration of linking your habits to your identity. This week I shall attempt to explain further, how your identity can influence your habits and increase your chances of sticking with and solidifying your chosen habits.
Like Polly said in this very interesting article which you should really read, as an adult, it is important to lay out your life and examine it critically and decide what it is YOU want for yourself. Not what everyone is doing. Not what everyone says or thinks you should do. Not what has always been done. Just what you want for your self. What happiness looks like to you. What your own idea of personal success is.
I’ve been doing this gradually over the years and let me tell you it has not been easy work, but it has also been quite rewarding as I have learnt so much about myself and my vision for my life is getting super clear (in some parts while remaining incredibly fuzzy in others).
What I have come to find is that despite the fact that I have spent most of the last 18 years of my life pursuing a career in medicine, being a doctor isn’t a big part of my identity. Spending my life around sick and dying people and not being able to paint my nails is really not something I want to do forever.
I’ve spent years getting defensive when people ask me questions like “What’s your specialty” or “what type of doctor are you”, because I was struggling with the thought of having to choose a specialty and go into training to become a consultant/specialist. Something a big part of me knows I do not want to do, but the other part that knows this is the traditional path of most doctor careers was feeling inadequate for not being in training and remaining a “junior doctor” for so long, so I would bark at people when I got asked those questions.
It took years, but I finally made peace with the realisation that not being in a training program doesn’t change the fact that I am a fantastic doctor and able to make a difference in the lives of patients. I also do not want the responsibility of being the senior physician whose every decision may mean life or death for a patient.
Now when I get asked “what kind of doctor are you”, I’m less snappy.
In my self examination I also came to find that I really value enjoyment. And that enjoyment requires money. If enjoyment requires money and I like enjoyment then surely that makes me a person who likes money.
However as the girl who grew up accounting for every kobo, saving receipts from every purchase, and hearing my father use words like “liability” often, my understanding of money was that it was this hard to come by entity that had to be held on to lest it slipped through ones fingers. I also thought it was uncouth to talk about money because the my mother would never give me an answer when I asked about the exact cost of an item and the only conversations we had about money in our house were about having none. Consequently I felt like I didn’t deserve money and I had great difficulty asking for money or even acting like I was interested in receiving money.
My (financial) life mantra was scrimp and save. And it worked great for me. It’s how I was able to survive on my meagre and delayed doctors salary in Lagos but boy was I cheap. Disgustingly so when I think about it now. I would constantly claim to be broke even when there was money in my account because I had this mentality of lack.
This had to change.
I’d gotten to the point where I knew I was happy to remain a junior doctor, but I also needed to be able to afford a life of enjoyment and continuing to work as a medical officer in Lagos was never going to afford me that. I also recognised that I had neither the discipline nor mental and financial fortitude required to become an entrepreneur in the harsh for business country that is Nigeria plus I felt like I knew nothing outside of medicine.
So in 2014 I started working on a plan to move to the United Kingdom to continue working as a doctor. The next 4 years were the ultimate test. From failing PLAB 1 (Professional and Linguistic Assessments Board test, the exam that doctors wishing to practice in the U.K have to take) the first time around to not being able to afford PLAB 2, to not earning a salary for eight months, to being rejected for validation by the General Medical Council (the licensing body for doctors in the U.K), I suffered long and hard.
My desire to move to the United Kingdom wasn’t primarily fuelled by some altruistic mission to save more lives. Instead I just wanted to be able to do the job I had trained for, under less stressful circumstances, while receiving a dependable wage and getting on the path to being delivered from the shackles of my green passport. My reasons were uniquely mine and I believe that helped me persevere even when things looked bleak.
However while all this was going on I was determined to find the enjoyment I could afford, so my days/nights in Lagos were full of activities like salsa at Lounge 38 on Thursdays and Smokey Bones on Saturdays, book club meetings/plays at Terra Kulture on Sundays, Afropolitan vibes every last Friday of the month, Friday evenings drinking Star Radler at Ikoyi Club with my girls while lamenting about Lagos men.
Pump price enjoyment.
As a prospective rich aunty I also had to revisit my attitude towards money. Living with my sister helped with this one because though we were raised in the same house by the same parents, my sister has a very different relationship with money. She has always believed in lavish luxury and ultimate comfort. She also doesn’t play with her money (I’m not joking, she will collect her money to the last cent) She spends every cent judiciously on her comfort and still manages to have money.
Spending so much time with her showed me the value of spending a bit more on quality items that would last me longer instead of spending the least amount possible and then having to replace the item soon after. She also introduced me to sample sales and my babe on a budget life has tremendously improved.
Having been delivered from NGN and saved by GBP, I realised the difference money makes as evidenced by how I became a much better friend because I no longer have to constantly recuse myself from activities due to lack of funds. I’ve become more comfortable talking about money. I no longer feel the need to deny having money. I like being able to treat my loved ones to random gifts and I can do that because I now have enough money and there’s no reason why I can’t talk about that the same way I talk about missing dancing.
This change in perspective has also made me more likely to pay for services I was too cheap to pay for before like personal training or cleaning. I understand that my time is money, therefore I am happy to pay people for their time in order to free up my time and focus on other important matters such as, enjoyment.
On the professional side of things, I have worked a junior doctor job in the United Kingdom for the past 3 years and in that time, every other week or so, one of my dear friends or colleagues takes it upon themselves to try and convince me to start specialty training because I can not remain in a dead end job forever.
Some of these conversations have made me feel like there might be something wrong with me for choosing to remain a junior doctor but I remind myself that I am here because I have chosen to and my current job affords me the life I envision for myself right now and my current one week on one week off schedule has allowed me to pursue my many hobbies and if I can have all this then what do I really need a few more letters after my name for.
I would be telling bare lies if I don’t add here that I get attacks of inadequacy sometimes when I come across profiles of my friends who are doing amazing and earning mind boggling sums as specialists in their chosen fields. I constantly have to remind myself to face my own life which is just fine as is.
Having said that, I recently passed the specialty training exam and have accepted a GP training post which I am quite excited about. Excited because this means that my next residence permit application will hopefully be my last one because at the end of my training program I will be qualified to be a citizen of the United Kingdom and that my dears is my real goal. The extra letters after my name will only be a bonus.
So I am eventually going the somewhat traditional doctor path, but for my own reasons and because these reasons are important to me, I know that I will do my best and I will excel at being a GP and when I receive my qualification along with my brand new passport/identity, then my friends, you shall really see my true colors.
I also know that I do not intend to work forever and in order to continue to afford my life I have to make plans that will help my money continue to grow. Now that I can afford to make plans, I am educating myself on alternative streams of income and exploring ways to up-skill myself in preparation for possible financially beneficial opportunities in the future.
The habits that helped me save enough to afford to move to the United Kingdom are not the same habits that I have now but they served me for that time so they really can’t be that bad.
Habits don’t have to be set in stone. Your habits should serve to move you forwards and should be reviewed regularly to ensure that the habits YOU choose are leading you in YOUR chosen direction. Having personal direction is more likely to help with sticking with habits than doing things just because.
Also, the clearer you become on what your wants and needs are, it becomes easier to choose habits that align holistically. Sometimes you might find yourself doing something you initially thought you didn’t want to or couldn’t do, but doing it well because you’re doing it for the right reasons.
Sometimes the real change can only start after we change the stories we tell ourselves.
I quite enjoyed writing this one. I hope it you enjoyed reading it and that it made sense.
I have had a very restful and lazy week. My mother also turned 60 and we managed to throw her a little surprise do and being on a google meets call with my mum and all three of my siblings on her birthday has been the highlight of my week.
Here’s wishing you a week full of intentional decisions.
Chioma.