It’s a few days to my birthday and I’m in full birthday mood. In recent years, my preferred celebration usually involves a plane ticket and at least a week of frolicking in a foreign country, but thanks to cozzie livs, this year’s celebration is somewhat lowkey for me, because some might argue that a birthday wishlist and arranging a 4hr long photoshoot with four outfit changes is hardly lowkey.
I’ve always been one to make a fuss about my birthday. As a child I would start counting down weeks in advance, reminding everyone that I was expecting gifts. Over the years I’ve added more birthday traditions, including a theme for the birthday and this year’s theme is Happiness.
Happiness is the joy you feel while striving towards your potential - Neil Pasricha
I came across the above definition recently and it felt apt. This hasn’t always been the case though. I don’t think I’d have chosen “happy” as a descriptor for myself say 10 years ago. Lately, I’ve heard myself described as happy by friends and strangers alike and I actually agree. I am happy.
How does one become happy though?
In his book - The Happiness Equation, Neil Pasricha shares research that reveals that happiness is 50 per cent genetic, 10 per cent influenced by circumstances, and 40 per cent influenced by intentional action. He then suggests intentional practices that can improve our chances of happiness, including:
get active
do good deeds
switch off
engage fully
practice meditation
be thankful
He also suggests that a positive mindset is fundamental to happiness and we can train ourselves to be more positive by spending 20 minutes each day doing one of the following:
Going for a walk outdoors in nature.
Journaling about our day.
Reading 20 pages of fiction. (Apparently, reading fiction helps to develop a better imagination)
Once upon a time, I would have rolled my eyes into the back of my head on reading the above, because how is going for walks or writing things down supposed to make my real-life problems go away. Now that I can attest to the benefits of some of the above practices, it is only right that I share.
I started a daily journal habit about five years ago and there’s something about putting pen to paper at the end of a day that helps me reflect on the day from a different perspective. I’ve also recently started writing down one thing that I’m grateful for every day and it’s interesting how it has changed the tone of my journal entries. I’m now more conscious of the tiny pleasurable moments that show up throughout my days. The problem is that we don’t always pay attention, or stop to acknowledge these little glimmers.
glimmer noun - a slight sign of something good or positive
We currently live in a very distracting world which makes it easy to miss these glimmers but there’s another reason why we tend to focus more on negative thoughts. Evolutionarily, our brain pathways are designed to pick up and focus on the things that are likely to harm us, as a protective mechanism, so that we can flee or defend ourselves if necessary. Although we no longer have to live in fear of being attacked by wild animals, our brains still tend to focus more on the things that are distressing to us.
It therefore makes sense that intentional practice is required to rewire the brain towards recognizing more positive things.
A friend asked me recently how to avoid slipping into delusion while practising for a more positive mindset and I had to pause to consider this. The truth for me is that there are so many factors and events that are not in my control and life will keep doing what life does. I can’t positively think my way out of paying bills or some of the more boring aspects of being an adult.
What I can do, is take note of, revel in and hold on to the things that do spark joy, while navigating the things that do not.
"People often think that something "far off" will make them happy. That moving to a new place or getting a different job or meeting someone new will change how they feel. But happiness will always be withheld if you believe it is somewhere else. The secret is to find happiness in the people and places that are close to you. See the beauty in the things that are nearby." - James Clear
This week I read
The Nigerwife by Vanessa Walters. I came across this book on a list of most anticipated African literature books for 2023 and added it to my list. The cover almost dampened my excitement about the book but it was the clown accents used by the ladies who read the book that irked me the most. I know a few Nigerian voice-over artists so, in my opinion, it’s lazy and insulting that we still have people who can not pronounce Nigerian names reading Nigerian books. I mean the reader was able to do a genuine Bajan accent for the one line in the entire book that required a Bajan accent but used that comic universal African accent to read all the Nigerian bits. Disappointing.
Still, I enjoyed the book. I liked the story and how it was told from two perspectives. I liked the detailed portrayal of Lagos from a foreign lens. I liked how the author was able to highlight some of the issues that are inherent in a patriarchal and religious society like ours. I didn’t find any of the characters to be likeable but that didn’t really impact how I felt about the book and I was able to get through it pretty quickly so points for that as well.
This week I listened to
Episode #72 of The Knowledge Project with Shane and Neil Paschira. I’m not sure where I heard Neil speak for the first time but I remember listening to him talk about 1000 awesome things as I was walking to or from work. In 2008, his marriage ended and he lost his best friend to suicide. As part of his healing process, he turned to his blog and started writing one awesome thing every single weekday for 1000 straight weekdays. His blog became super popular and then it became a book that spent a long time on bestseller lists. He has since quit his former job and is now a full-time writer and speaker.
I will be honest enough to admit that I rolled my eyes a little that first time, but now that I understand the science and have started practising myself, I am a believer. In this episode, he shared more about happiness and resilience and it was a good conversation as usual.
The group chat that became a podcast is still going strong. We are figuring it out as we go along and I’m super proud of us for sticking with it. In this episode, we talk about dating younger men, which is ironic considering the episode before was on the Bechdel test. Listen and let us know your thoughts.
I’m looking forward to a short work week and a long weekend of celebrating with my friends. I feel very special that I can give my friends the shortest notice yet they still agree to show up for me. I appreciate it very much and do not take it for granted.
You’re welcome to celebrate with me by picking something off my wishlist. You can also send me an email or comment letting me know how much you love my newsletter, how you discovered it, why you read. I would absolutely love to hear from you.
Here’s wishing you a week of catching the glimmers and celebrating them.
Happy Birthday to me.
Chioma.
I too, used to be hesitant about practices like meditation & mindfulness, until I was going through a tough time and decided to practice them religiously. My life has truly changed for the better. Thank you for sharing!
Happy Birthday, babeeee!!! I can’t wait to see the pictures and hear the updates from the celebration! 💚
Happy birthday, Chioma!
And thank you for sharing Small Things with us. Have an amazing "lowkey" birthday weekend!