I’ve had a few conversations recently around the topic of resilience and so it has been on my mind quite a bit lately.
There is the argument that the Gen Z folks are less able to cope with regular life stressors. One minor upset can trigger a mental health crisis because people no longer have fortitude. And this should really be no surprise, considering how much more convenient our lives have become, thanks to advancements in technology. We don’t have to walk to the farm and grow our own produce and fall asleep when it gets dark. As our lives have gotten easier, we have lost the muscles required to survive and even thrive in stressful situations.
While we may not have some of the stressors that generations before us had, we still have stressors because unfortunately, that’s just how life goes. Bad things will happen to you for no reason. And given that these bad things tend to occur unexpectedly and sometimes all at once, it is important to learn how to cope with them.
I like to think of myself as a good example of a resilient person. And when I try to think how I became so resilient, the answer I came up with is my mother.
My mother is the strictest Igbo Anglican mummy and once she gave an instruction, you knew you had to get it done, any which way. One particular incident comes to mind. When I still lived in my parent’s house, we ran out of cooking gas one afternoon, and I had to switch the cylinder. On switching it, I couldn’t get the cylinder head to fit properly and so the gas cooker wouldn’t work. I went to the living room to tell my mother and she asked me to go back to the kitchen and try again. Which I did, but it still didn’t work, so I went back and got sent back.
I stayed in that kitchen, fiddling with the pipe and the cylinder and regulator until I got it to work. My mother wasn’t really the type to clap for you for doing things she considered your duty, so while I would have felt great if my mother had congratulated me, I still learnt a very valuable lesson that day; even if I do not know how at first, if I try and try again, I can make it work. A lesson that will stay with me forever.
I am sure that there are many people who had a less strict upbringing who are also very resilient, which must mean that there are many ways by which resilience can be built.
One of my personal theories is that failing early and often is a great way to build resilience. When you have a long run of successes, it’s typically harder to regroup when failure happens. But when you’ve failed and gotten through it, you realise it’s really not the end of the world that you were afraid it would be and seeing as suicide is generally frowned upon, you learn how to deal with the problems when they come. Pardon the oversimplification but again, it’s only a personal theory.
While doing my googles, I came across the Seven C’s of resilience - competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. And the Five Pillars of resilience - self-awareness, mindfulness, self-care, positive relationships and purpose. The idea is that we can become more resilient by intentionally strengthening these pillars. Activities like volunteering, charity work, participating in team sports/activities, prioritising our physical and mental health, can help cultivate increasing levels of resilience.
I also came across this fantastic podcast thanks to my friend Funso who discovered it and shared it with me. The conversation touched on everything from resilience to the dangers of retirement. It was so good I had to listen twice and need to make notes of some new ideas I’ll be stealing from the hosts.
The host shared a story about how a conversation with a mentor while in business school changed his application strategy. He basically told him to stop wasting his time by competing with everyone else for all the most coveted jobs, and instead focus on offering his services to companies who wouldn’t dream of attracting his type of talent. The idea is that even if you think you’re a small fish, you look bigger in a smaller pond. And that gives you confidence and that feeling of confidence propels you to excel. It sounds a little counter intuitive but also makes perfect sense.
If you sign up for the slowest 5k and complete it, you’ve achieved the goal you set for yourself and that makes you feel like maybe next time you might try a 7 or 10k. If you set a goal to read 10 books a year and then read 20, you’ve outdone yourself.
In my experience, I find that these things may come more naturally to some than others, but with intentional practice, anything is possible.
This is not me trying to advocate for hardship. I love the soft life more than most, but the fact is that life will happen to us all, in different ways and we can help ourselves by cultivating the resilience to keep moving forward or at least just hang in there.
I’ll close with an excerpt from this article written by Tai Solarin, one of Nigeria’s foremost social activists.
Life, if it is going to be abundant, must have plenty of hills and vales. It must have plenty of sunshine and rough weather. It must be rich in obfuscation and perspicacity. It must be packed with days of danger and of apprehension.
When I walk into the dry but certainly cool morning air of every January 1st, I wish myself plenty of tears and of laughter, plenty of happiness and unhappiness, plenty of failures and successes. Plenty of abuse and praise. It is impossible to win ultimately without a rich measure of intermixture in such a menu. Life would be worthless without the lot. We do not achieve much in this country because we are all so scared of taking risks. We all want the smooth and well-paved roads. While the reason the Americans and others succeeded so well is that they took such great risks.
If, therefore, you are out in this New Year 1964, to win any target you have set for yourself, please accept my prayers and your elixir. May your road be rough!
This week I wrote
Something for women considering delaying fertility.
This week I read
Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid
I have just had the best weekend, filled with activities and fuelled by alcohol. Making memories with my loved ones makes me happy. I also had the most random serendipitous encounter this afternoon that I should really write about but a girl can only do so much. I’m about to enter a block of four night shifts, send prayers.
Here’s wishing you the fortitude you need for the curveballs life might send your way this week.
Chioma.